Séduire and changing identities

My class has been reading a contemporary classic this term called Monsieur Ibrahim and the Flowers of Coran. It’s a short story, merely 68 pages long, about a motherless boy named Momo who grows up with a drunk, career-wise unsuccessful father. At the age of 11, Momo steals money from his father’s piggy bank to pay prostitutes. While most of my peers initially felt this inappropriate, we delved into a conversation in class about the lack of a maternal figure in Momo’s life that fuels his desire for affection. This sparked the topic of our french essays: identities. How do our identities manifest? What fuels/pushes certain characteristics, while diminishing others?

In writing this essay, I was reminded of a post that I’d written over two years ago about personalities. I was reminded of the two sides of me: the side perceptible to everyone and the one that manifests internally or with a select group of people. I reread what I wrote in that post from two years ago. Next, I thought about who I am today, my identity, and how people perceive me. It’s very different. It’s not just Self 1 that has evolved; who I am on the inside, Self 2, no longer aligns with what I’d written two years ago. Here’s to an update on my identity.

Externally, I project reservation. I abandoned my outspokenness in exchange for a more demure persona. It’s inaccurate to say that I’ve lost my ability to speak my mind because I haven’t. I simply choose not to overtly disagree unless I feel an inexorable inability to suppress my opinions. As I wrote a few weeks ago, I’ve found power in agreeability, which I’ve decided to capitalize upon unless something tests my fundamental morale. Secondly, I never liked being known as a know-it-all, a name people sometimes doted me because I achieved reasonably high marks in my classes. High school, however, inherently changed my ability to know everything because there is geniunely always someone who is very familiar with every topic out there. While I may understand a bit about xyz, someone else in the room is bound to understand pqr better than me. I no longer speaker upon things I’m unfamiliar with. I like to avoid pretending to know something I don’t. Perhaps I’ve learned the hard way of pretending to understand something, only to be completely outsmarted by another person in the room who understands the nuances of the issue and 40% more knowledge to base their claims upon. When I get into these conversations, I simply say, “I’m not very familiar with this topic, but from what I know…”. 

Internally, I’ve lost some of the boisterousness and loudness I had years before. It’s been replaced with something I value more, sarcasism and humor. Time has become the most precious thing in high school and as a result, I’ve budgetted my time in ways that have minimized opportunites to be loud, party, or listen to music. Perhaps I’ve only temporarily lost my energy and maybe it will return again at another point in my life. 

I firmly believe that identities inevitably evolve overtime. Perhaps this explains why the line distinguishing who I am on the outside versus the inside is no longer as vivid. In french, the word séduire means to appeal to. My teacher asked the class quelle identité vous séduit? Which identity appeals to you? As of now, I don’t know. Will we ever know though, for if we could predict how our identities would eventually change, I can’t imagine what notion would justify the process of change. I believe the constant feeding of new possibilities in our identities, driven by media, TV characters, etc, fuel that change. 

In enjoying what we do

Some food for thought from my absentminded thinking over the weekend :) 

There’s an unequivocal power that arises when one enjoys what they do. It’s this surge of energy that ripples through the system, like a lightbulb turned on, when one enjoys what they're doing. 

It’s a no brainer that we do things better when we enjoy them. I’ve managed to find ways to enjoy things I usually dislike by focusing on small details that draw me to other activities. When I studied physics, I focused on that small victory of getting a question right, reminiscent of that small victory when I hit a deep corner shot on the tennis court. When I get a cramp during my run and when nothing but stopping feels right, I try to remember how amazing it always feel after. I concentrate on that feeling of accomplishment at the end, followed by the notion that I overcame another (mini) obstacle. When I have boring notes to take, I try to make them colorful, add little jokes, or tell a narrative to help me remember. It honestly makes note taking miles more enjoyable and effective. 

It’s these small adjustments in my mental game which I’ve discovered have helped me enjoy things I may otherwise dislike. I’m almost artificially targeting pleasure. Is that wrong? Is it narrow minded to only do things I like? Perhaps that’s a yes. But whether it’s wrong to single out aspects for enjoyment because I struggle to do things I dislike well...I’m not sure. Perhaps this is in itself being open minded. Maybe if I succeed in finding ways to make the unenjoyed enjoyable, the scope of areas in which I can excel will grow exponentially. 

My newest habit

“Chains of habits are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken” -Warren Buffett

Habits. A noun. Repetitive actions. 

Habits sort of have this weird connotation of bringing about harm when people throw the word around carelessly. Nevertheless, they also having the power to induce positive change in one’s life. My friend once wisely said that we pick up new habits every new year of school as we adjust to our schedules, meet new people, and adapt to new teachers. That, and seeing Buffett’s quote, triggered memories of some habits I’ve had in the past. 

One year in middle school, I picked up the habit of playing music in the background whenever I studied. I thought it would help me study more effectively as some studies have shown. Seeing many of my friends throw in their earplugs during study hours only ascertained this notion. Later, I found it took longer to get work done so I dropped that habit. Last year, I unintentionally picked up the habit of showering at midnight. I showered when I had completed all my work, and therefore midnight deemed itself the perfect time. I have since stopped this habit and our new schedules seem to support earlier shower times. In middle school, I also developed the habit of taking class notes in color. These extra second spent changing pen colors made my notes so aesthetically pleasing that it distracted me from processing the information to focusing on the artistic feel of my page at the end of class. Circumstances, schedules, and new understandings drive new habits. 

I’ve picked up a new habit this year. Perhaps “habit” is not quite the best description as it’s more a matter of meeting my athletics requirements. This term, I’ve been participating in AM Basics, which is a morning running program. My school considers AM Basics a “life sport” because there is no interscholastic competition. Life sports also meet for just 30 minutes every day, versus the usually 90 minutes of interscholastic sports. 

Our group of 10 begins running at 7 AM, forcing me to get up early in the morning. I’ve always been a morning person…I study better in the morning, I’m happier in the morning, and I sort through my daily to-dos in the morning. Morning Basics first and foremost saves a lot of time in the afternoon, a time when I prefer doing homework or even napping.  AM Basics may be my next best habit because it enables me to get breakfast at Commons. The school created this new schedule with a late start, 8:30, every morning to encourage students to get breakfast. Nevertheless, I’ve found that on Wednesday, when there is no AM Basics, I still do not eat. Upon observing my own patterns for getting food in the morning, I’ve discovered that time for breakfast is not created by a late start but by an intentional decision to make time for it. AM Basics helps me make that decision since Commons opens when the sport ends. Finally, getting through a 30 minute run early in the morning is one of the most refreshing feelings I know. I’ve found that the hardest part of the whole process is waking up and getting out of bed. Walking out the door after just rolling out of bed occasionally involves being slapped in the face by the chilliness of the morning. What motivates me most is the feeling of accomplishment afterwards. The energy and adrenaline I develop from my run push me through the academic day more smoothly. 

AM Basics. My (soon-to-be) newest habit of the year. There’s an unparalleled feeling of being the only one awake on campus at the dawn of morning, matched by a crisp, shocking morning breeze that has drawn me into the sport. While I can’t officially call morning runs a “habit” quite yet, I’m honestly considering going on runs in the mornings on the weekends too. Tootles to more AM runs :)

How you made them feel

http://www.ox.ac.uk/news/2019-01-08-century-and-half-reconstructed-ocean-warming-offers-clues-future-0

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou

Thank you, Abigail, for sharing this with me.

Start Somewhere

I stared at the pile of physics papers on my desk that I hadn’t touched for three weeks. Equations, textbooks, my notecards, all inundating my little desk beyond sight. Three weeks ago, I thought I would be done with these papers and materials but an upcoming test last week called for review. When my parents brought me all 5 of my giant test prep books, I could remember reading through all of them but I couldn’t quite recall the details and the chapters I had struggled most with. Sitting at my textbook flooded desk last week, I was startled by all the material I had covered and anxious about having to review it all. 

“Where do I begin?” I asked my parents. 

Having taken a three-week break from all my notes and textbooks, the material and even the notion of having to study it again felt foreign. This also made me realize the difficulty of getting back into the groove of something, whether that be a sport, studying, playing an instrument, or even socializing. Getting back into the groove of something is so difficult that at times, it feels easier to avoid restarting. 

I’ve been reviewing physics for one week now. I try to get in a period of studying in the morning or in the evening when I’m done with work. The weekend has also proven to be really effective scheduling time. I remember this nuanced feeling of overwhelm and denial. A part of me wanted to avoid studying altogether and another wanted to start but didn’t know where. The feeling of foreign material dissipated after about a day or two of studying. 

I think the most important thing I’ve learned through this experience of revisiting things is to start somewhere and to take the first right step. I didn't exactly know where to start, so I reviewed my flashcards with equations. This ultimately lead me to recall topics I struggled with. In retrospect, I realize I spent quite a bit of time trying to find a way to review without actually reviewing. I tried to find a crack in the wall that I could squeeze through to get back into the swing. I realize now that there are no shortcuts. The only thing one can do is to start somewhere and take the first right step in that direction. The rest flows more smoothly afterward. Areas of struggle began to emerge in my memory and I could focus on those areas. 

Nike’s most famous slogan, “Just do it” comes into fruition. What they’re advocating is to dive in rather than muse around the perimeters of the problem in all things life. The feelings of overwhelmth is one that I can't forget and I will remember this experience for the future when I feel this way: start somewhere and take the first right step. 

The Nouveau Ambiance

Campus exudes a nouveau ambiance when I return from summer vacation. The crispy summer to fall transition weather provokes a sense of freshness and rejuvenation. Perhaps it’s the long break from school or perhaps it’s the confidence we each start off with during the school year thinking this is the year, but something about returning to campus always excites me. 

This year I am an Upper (junior in most high schools). For the first time since my time at Andover, my age falls in the older half. I’ve met some 13-year-old freshman and having three extra years on me, that feels like quite a long time ago. Walking around campus feels different. I feel almost…larger. The assertiveness and confidence of older students pervade through even the most trivial of our actions, such as walking through Commons surveying dinner, hustling through the library to find a place to study, or conversing with faculty on the pathways. While the strength of one’s confidence contributes to the appearance of one’s physical size, I’ve noticed the average Upper is bigger than the average freshman. Of course, two to three years play a huge difference in a teenager’s development. 

As the saying goes, with age comes responsibility. I feel the heavier weight of not only my performance in classes but the strength of my influence on younger students in the ways I behave and talk. I remember staring at the older students in awe my freshman year. I admired their braceless, perfect smiles. I admired their comfortability walking around campus independently. I admired the way they behaved in classes, asking questions until they understood everything perfectly. Perhaps this feeling is quite universal as one assesses campus social norms. 

Walking into commons yesterday, I felt eyes on me. Maybe it’s because I was dressed head to toe in running gear, but something felt different. The eyes felt similar to the way I regarded older students during my first week at Andover. Curiosity? Intimidation? Quite difficult to pinpoint. Being on the other side of those subtle almost subconscious stares feels different and quite honestly, the responsibility of being an older student on campus scares me. 

Butterflies fly in my stomach as I look towards this year from this side of the shore. I indubitably expect ups, downs, and stress. On the shore, it feels pretty safe. I realize though that as soon as I step into the water, I may begin to feel turbulence. So here we go anyway…onto Upper year.  

Summer 2019

It’s been one heck of a summer and it’s definitely been my busiest. 

I’ve been away for the past week in Beijing. My plane landed yesterday afternoon and I just got to school and unpacked this morning. Now that I’ve settled down a little bit, I’ve found some downtime from a busy back-to-back summer schedule. I think the most important thing I’ve learned this summer is how almost everything is a decision. It continues to amaze me how much control we have over how we act, how we perform, and how we produce. Putting in the time and effort while regulating patience goes a long way, particularly in studying. 

While I’ve certainly always had something to do this summer, whether it be studying, planning, or traveling, I lost time to be with myself. I haven’t observed, reflected, and read as much as I would have liked. It still stuns me to think that there will never be another Summer 2019 and that whatever I’ve done will stay forever under the title of Summer 2019. The years seem to fly by without a trace and the times between them are beginning to blur. This morning, my dad and I walked to the car rental shop to pick up a truck for move-in day. For a second I thought I had been in that office quite recently since the arrangement of the chairs and the employees were familiar. Yet when I paused, I remembered that the last time I had been in that office was a year ago. Sitting in the same seat I sat in while waiting made a year old memory feel not so distant and served as a reminder for how quickly time passes even when it’s not on my conscience. 

This summer in 10 words:

London

Paris

Positivity

LaunchX

Studying

Starbucks

Treadmills

Family

Stress

Beijing

While this summer has been particularly busy, it has definitely been a summer I would do over again. The constant agenda and list of to-dos kept me occupied and productive. I’m sitting alone in my room right now and I’m ready to jump into junior year. 

________________________

Some photos from Beijing ;)

A Post of Thanks

Last Tuesday I got my wisdom teeth removed. The procedure is not news: 85% of people get them removed during a lifetime. I even have some older friends at school who had already gotten them removed during the school year. Nevertheless, the popularity of the procedure still failed to abate my fear of surgeries. 

I don’t like needles. Furthermore, I had never been put to sleep by anesthesia before. For a week before the surgery, I kept wondering what would happen the anesthesia didn’t work on me. I could almost imagine myself sitting on the dental chair 30 minutes after the injection still happily chatting with the doctors, their heads shaking, wondering why I wasn’t falling asleep. Gracefully, this didn’t happen. I think I was out in about 15 seconds. 

While the surgery itself passed as if it never happened, recovery has been more painful and real. I’ve been taking penicillin 4 times a day, every six hours since my surgery. This requires a dosage early in the morning. My mom has been guiding me every step of the way through my recovery. I’m thankful for my her for waking up each morning at 6 AM to bring those 2 mLs of bitter red liquid and a chilled glass of water to bed so that I can sleep in.  I am thankful for my mom for cutting the watermelon into smaller chunks so that I could consume it more easily. I’m thankful for my mom for talking with me as I sat in the bathroom with a hot towel on my bruised jaw. Thank you, Mom, for making my recovery that much more smooth.  

The Nature of Agreeability

Most of us have been taught from a young age to stand up for what is right and to speak for ourselves. We practice self-advocacy, expressing our opinions, and disagreeing when things don’t go right. This is good in all, I’ve discovered lately, until we try to start having conversations. 

There is a 40-page book that explains how to develop better people skills. Written by Les Giblin, a former member of the military, one of the first techniques Skill with People suggests is to adopt an agreeable nature. When I first read that, it made total sense to me. After all, we like when people agree with what we say. But then I thought about it for a minute and suddenly things weren’t so clear. What if someone says something racially charged? What if they spill out the wrong facts? What if they keep repeating something that is factually incorrect? I struggled to find instances where disagreeing was appropriate. 

Some things hinder agreement. I’ve noticed that passion often gets in the way of being agreeable at least for myself. Sometimes it feels as if I’ve simply done too much research on X to comfortably allow another person to drop the wrong facts. 

I’ve been observing my friends, particularly the ones who I get along with the most. There’s one friend of mine whom I met this summer and being agreeable is his strength in social interactions. He’ll never say “you’re wrong” and he’ll rarely correct you. I’m sure we’ve all spoken wrong facts but he’ll never cherry-pick or point out the small stats we mess up, focusing instead on the bigger picture of the conversation. Every criticism and suggestion is given lightly, inviting the recipient to judge whether to accept, decline, or just keep moving on in the conversation. His suggestions stick for receptive people and slips for those who are more interested in telling their story out. But his agreeability is subtle. You wouldn’t even notice him being agreeable unless you analyzed his word choice. 

Other times, when I’m walking in the city with friends, it’s difficult for all of us to agree on where to dine. 

Person 1: “I think eating here would be great!”. 

Person 2: “Yeah I think so too. Maybe we should keep walking around to see if there’s anywhere else”.

Even a conversation simple as that could indicate that a Person 2 didn’t want to eat at the restaurant. Instead, they avoided offending Person 1 by suggesting another plan. The people around me are some of the best role models I know. They’re eloquent in disagreement and they’re sensitive not to offend. They’ll avoid saying flat out, I disagree, sounding dubious about a suggestion instead. 

When I thought about Les Giblin’s point about being agreeable, I can see how wise that piece of advice is. My confusion perhaps lay when/where it is appropriate to disagree. We’re taught to stand up for ourselves against mistreatment and cruelty. We should disagree–in fact, fight–for morally disgraced actions. Disagreements against large scale cruelty drive society forward and change our morale for the better. Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, and the civilians during the Russian Revolution righteously expressed their disagreement with the way things were in society. And that makes sense. 

I’ve learned that petty disagreements are what tear relationships apart the most. After all, who likes to be corrected or have an argument about which shelf Whole Foods stocks the chocolate bars? I suppose being agreeable is being less picky about others. It’s about holding oneself to high standards without imposing excessive control over others. Agreeability is almost like skimming over the details so that conversations move forward, directing focus towards the bigger picture of the conversation. 

“As long as you live, never forget that any fool can disagree with people. It takes a wise person, a shrewd person, a big person, to agree – particularly when the other person is wrong”.

Friendship is an ongoing decision

We had been best friends until middle school took us separate ways. Z and I hung out frequently, we told each other just about everything, and we supported each other as we grew. My elementary school best friend and I have stayed fairly close since we parted ways in middle school. We text each other and stay up to date with each other through social media.

Z and I meet up once or twice every year during the summer/holiday seasons when I’m back from school.  I met up with Z yesterday afternoon, an event that sparked this post. Even though we no longer attend the same school (and hadn’t been since 4th grade), live in different towns, and lead separate lives, our physical distance has not affected our friendship as it does for many. 

Very few of my friends are long distance. Perhaps a part of me has found it difficult to maintain close relationships when I can’t interact regularly in person. Certain events bring me together with another person: school, camps, athletics, etc. But I’ve discovered how a lot of these friendships wither with time. Getting back together with Z yesterday afternoon reminded me of the endless possibilities even in a long-distance relationship. I’m in close relationships with a couple of other friends whom I still see once or twice a year. They, along with Z, have shown me something important about friendships: it’s an ongoing decision. 

To be friends, to have a relationship, even to love, are ongoing decisions that one makes when a tree falls in the middle of a road. It’s after a lighting storm and the tree is split from its stump. The rainwater makes the dirt on the pathway muddy. It’s difficult to trudge through, but at the end of a storm, two people stand before the fallen tree. There are ways around this tree and the mud. There are also ways to passively wait. Those with whom I climb over the tree remain close friends; distance, differing interests, and time have little effect on the spirit of the past. I am lucky to have a couple of close friends whom I’ve been able to keep through our once-a-year get-togethers, texts, and social media.

Unfortunately, we don’t always manage to find the strength to climb over that tree. When we fail to do so, we can only passively wait for fate to bring us back together. This is the biggest reason why I’ve lost connection with some of my friends. Whether it’s the little strength that we began the climb with or the little faith we have in successfully climbing over the tree, I don’t believe there is any inherent catalyst that drives friends apart. Neither distance nor time is powerful enough to break apart a friendship if both parties proactively make the ongoing decision to reach out when they haven’t connected in a while or spend a few hours together once a year. Friendships require time but they also require proactivity and the desire to stay together. 

I suppose ongoing decisions and proactivity extend well beyond merely friendships. They are the core of life. Merely finding the impetus to wake up in the morning after a hard night only to go back to school, work, etc. is an ongoing decision. Making the ongoing decision to problem solve through difficulties and work for the betterment of ourselves helps us make the ongoing decision to stay alive. Take this as a grain of salt as I’m a high schooler and I still have much to experience in life. What I do know is that the friends whom I’ve kept connecting with after our lives took separate turns have jumped over the fallen tree with me.