How genuine happiness manifests

This week has been perhaps one of the biggest emotional roller coasters I’ve been on this week with the most variation.  Sunday and Monday were marked by guilt, anger, and stress from my social life.  Tuesday cooled down a bit as did Wednesday and marked two neutral days this week.  Thursday lightened up since I only had one class that entire day and today, Friday, was wicked fun and leaves me smiling thinking about it. 

Sunset tonight

I must admit I’m one relentless tryhard when it comes to reflection.  It’s even reflected through my tennis game; I stop and reflect on my successes and my failures throughout the game.  I like to reflect while I walk around campus.  At boarding school, I’ve been doing a lot of walking everyday, and during these walks, I check in with myself.  I try to think positively about what happened that day, especially on days where it seems like nothing is going right.  

Truth is, I’ve been chasing positivity.  I’ve found this gets me nowhere close to genuine happiness.  As I was walking back from the WQN Field Night after stopping by the Den to chat with some friends, I realized that true happiness doesn’t need to be reflected on to be felt; it’s there…and I don’t have to intentionally acknowledge.  I’ve been told by my friends that my emotions are very easy to read.  Happiness finds its way into the tone of voice I use when I talk, my posture, the pace at which I walk. Happiness in its truest and rawest form manifests both mentally inside me, but also physically.  

Tonight, I’m truly happy.  In the past, I’ve written about how small things added up are what makes me happy.  I scored well on my math and french tests.  I won my singles tennis match after a long mental battle.  The WQN Field Night was a memorable experience and it’s a night I want to remember from freshman year.  Hundreds of kids showed up on the Great Lawn, the most people I’ve ever seen on the lawn at one time.  I also learned how to play two signature games at PA: spikeball and 9 square.  These are two games that are played spiritually at Andover, as its embedded in our culture.  And what made me smile most was being able to play with kids who I usually didn’t interact with except in class.  In fact, my friends weren’t even there…it was just me and forming relationships with kids who I usually only knew through class.  

There are random things that make my life just a little bit brighter.  Most of them are in my control, but others are not.   I remember during my walks around campus, checking boxes off my mental checklist, thinking that would make me happy.  I thought somehow checking off piano practice, done, math homework, done, english paper, done, would bring me happiness and I tried to focus on what I’d completed that day for happiness.  In retrospect, I realize how much of a workoholic that made me.  However, I’ve come to this conclusion about happiness: focusing on positivity will overall bring more happiness into my life.  However, genuine happiness does not need to be felt through reflection; it manifests itself physically and mentally in an array of manners.  I don’t even have to try to feel it.  It’s just there.  After all, some days are just better than others.