A Post of Thanks

This week I struggled for several different reasons. It was a week where everything felt a little out of control. I had many late nights and I woke up early during most days. It was a week where my club felt like it was sprinting a neverending marathon and internal problems skewed the way we worked together this week. I cried a lot this week and I’m not going to try to hide it. I couple weeks ago, I wrote a similar post that I also titled “A Post of Thanks”. I resolved to write more of these types of posts. This week couldn’t have been a better time. 

Thank you to CX, my best friend. She is absolutely amazing, supporting me every day of the week. She was my go-to person to talk to, I knew she’d always offer me emotional support and advice on how to tackle problems. She checked in with me constantly about my days and who it went. I could tell no one else honestly, and she always listened, extending herself out into my shoes. She reminded me ceaselessly to keep calm, and when things got out of control, she'd put her hand on my shoulder to calm me down. To a friend who truly cares and listens and supports, thank you thank you thank you.

Thank you to my English teacher for talking with me and letting me confide in an adult on campus. She offered to help me right away. She came into our conversation with an open heart and she soaked in what I told her. She came out of our conversation wanting to take immediate action. 

Thank you to my advisor from freshman year. I’ve written about her before, and she’s the woman I turn to for pep talks and for advice. She comes in with a sense and a plan, and she is a go-getter in solving problems. I love her tenacity in seeing through barriers that I couldn’t fathom overcoming, and her calm and collected outlook. Thank you for the pep talks and your belief that yes, I can. 

Thank you to my math teacher, who checks in with me regularly. He seems to relate, as he graduated from college recently. He understands what’s troubling me, and he told me that it will happen for probably the rest of my life. He is teaching me to fight my own battles, preparing me for the future. 

And thank you to my parents, who have stayed up late at night to answer my phone calls. Who've supported my decisions with rationale and who've kept me calm. Talking to my parents is one of the greatest things I do, and is something I should be doing more of. Thank you to the two people who've supported me with astonishing consistency and endless love. Thank you.

This has not been an easy week. What struck me about this week, was that it wasn't the academics that was giving me the most stress: it was my emotions. I struggled to believe in myself and to recognize my own self-worth. I was beaten down a lot this week, but thanks to all these people and to those beyond this post, I think I’ve found some footing that I can grow upon. 

It was the brave souls who raised their hands: inspiration from a talk by Julie Lythcott-Haims

My school brings a variety of speakers over to campus throughout the school year and yesterday I attended “Real American” by Julie Lythcott-Haims. Lythcott-Haims attended Stanford University and Harvard Law School, and later became the Dean of Freshmen and Undergraduate Advising at Stanford University. She wrote a memoir called Real American about her experience being a biracial woman. She read sections of this memoir, written in poetic form during her speech. Her speech was charged with mixed emotions that I’m sure touched each audience member differently. For me, there were many parts of her speech that I did relate to, and there were some parts that I did not connect with as much. Another point that I want to mention that really stuck out to me is when Lythcott-Haims described her experience in life. She mentions that most people think of a story as resembling an A shape, with a climax at some point in the story. Lythcott-Haims describes her story as having a V shape, with the vertex being the point in her life she has labeled “self-loathing”. Her story is forever continuing, but what I like about the V metaphor is that her story does not have a climax.  

The first story that Lythcott-Haims shared from Real American was when she was accepted to Stanford her senior year. At this point in her life on the V, she describes it as the point of decline. In high school, Lythcott-Haims was one of the few students of color, but this didn’t stop her from becoming the president of the student council. This is also the point in her life where she recognizes that she’s not the same as the other kids in her school: she’s biracial, but she identifies as black. After LH is accepted to Stanford, she finds herself in an awkward situation one day after school when another boy who also applied to Stanford is rejected. This boy’s father confronts LH and spits anger charged words at her: my son had higher test scores than you and equally good grades. The only reason you got into Stanford is because you’re black. Those anger charged words hit me during the speech. For LH, this must’ve been devastating to hear as a young woman who had just worked her way into one of the best universities in our country.  The angry father was linking LH’s acceptance to Stanford to the fact that she was black, and in a way, I’ve experienced some similar biases being an Asian woman. When I was younger people linked my grades to the fact that I was Asian, not to the fact that I have to work equally hard to get them. 

The second story that Lythott-Haims shared was about her experience at Stanford. She struggled in her first year to find herself at the university. She said at Stanford, she has never once raised her hand in a class. She lacked the self-confidence to do so and she didn’t want to draw attention to herself. If I remember correctly, this was one of the lowest points in her life. Lythcott-Haims said she loathed herself in this period of her life. I could not relate to her, I’ve never felt a moment in my life where I can describe myself as loathing myself. I suppose one of the reasons why I, a woman who’s almost 40 years younger than LH have not felt such a self-deprecating emotion for a prolonged period of time is because of the work of the people before me who’ve fought for that equality so that my generation can feel safer belonging in America. Thank you. 

The final part of Lythcott-Haims’s speech touched my heart so much. It felt like every word she said was being soaked into my ears and that my neck was straining forward as if that would help me hear better. What I enjoyed the most about her speech was when she gave the example with God. Lythcott-Haims believes that before we are all born, God speaks to all of our souls and he asks us: who wants to go down to Earth as a person of color? Though there will be times of struggle and dispute, who wants to go down there, drive change, and bring a sense of equality to mankind? Then LH said something that I will probably remember for the rest of my life: it was the brave souls who raised their hands. I’m not religious, but this sentence didn’t in the very least fail to stick with me. 

Julie Lythcott-Haims’s speech wasn’t just a call to action…for me, it was a call to awareness. To be aware of stereotypes, of biases, to be aware of my own prejudices towards other people and even towards myself. When do I form these implicit biases about others? When do I allow stereotypes applicable to me to affect my actions. Julie Lythcott-Haims’s speech spoke to me in ways that other speeches about activism have not. It was relatable to me, even though I was not the same race as Lythcott-Haims and I am truly moved by each and every word from Lythcott-Haims’s speech. 

10,000 ways that won't work

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work" -Thomas A. Edison

I little dose of optimism for this upcoming week of studying for midterms ☺

My Idea of a perfect day

I returned to campus after Winter Break this Thursday.  After every break, my friends and I catch up with each other. Some of my friends traveled, but I learned that most of them stayed at home. I too stayed at home. Frankly, I felt like I hadn’t “done much” over break; maybe the fact that I stayed at home made me feel so. Perhaps I expressed this feeling of discontent in our discussion as one of my friends asked me, what would you do in a perfect day? 

Off the top of my head, I would say that a perfect day encompasses waking up in the morning and going for a morning hike then relaxing with a cup of hot chocolate and a good book. A relaxing and carefree day seems perfect to me. However, these past three weeks have led me to believe there are several kinds of “perfect” days. This winter break, I may not have experienced the perfect “relaxation” beach day, but I did experience another type of day that was, in its own right, pretty perfect as well. 

Yesterday, simulated a pretty typical day during break. I started my day off with a two-hour study session on Saturday. I completed some of my homework which was followed by a walk to Whole Foods with two of my closest friends. We did some grocery shopping, picked up drinks at a cafe, and returned to campus. I had my lunch after that, studied for another hour, and then headed to the gym. After the gym, I finished my physics homework and began to do some math homework/review. Having finished my homework for the weekend, I began preparing for some tests I’m going to take outside of school. At 10:00 PM, having felt pretty accomplished and productive, so I decided to go to the casual dance in the den on campus. I returned after an hour, took a shower, and called it a night. I would say yesterday made me very happy, even though I did not find myself relaxing on a beach.

What I overlooked this break was how a perfect day was really any day that made me feel happy. On one hand, I definitely enjoy those days at the beach where I do just about nothing except read and go for a swim. Those days definitely make me smile when I think about them. On the other hand, I felt happy coming out of winter break as well. I would wake up, study for a bit, read, go out for lunch, get some exercise in, do some more studying, watch a movie, and talk with my parents; being productive truly made me very happy. What would you do in a perfect day? Sure, by default I might say relax at a beach, do some shopping, go for a hike, or read a good book, but recently, I’ve experienced that a productive day can be just as perfect as a relaxing one. 

Farewell 2018; cheers 2019

Happy New Year! (I know I’m writing this a day late). Last year I wrote a wrap up of the year post, and I thought that was a lovely way to conclude the previous and welcome the commencement of the new. I will do something pretty similar this year. 

Speaking honestly, I must say 2017 was the year in my life where everything seemed to work out the way I wanted it to. It was one of those years that spoiled me enough to make me believe that every precedent year would feel similarly and in reality. Little did I know what was to come in 2018. In retrospection, the most difficult part of 2018 was managing my emotions and remaining persistent with my goals. 

Some years pass and it feels short. Others pass and it feels like everything went right (2017 for me). Some pass and I walk out feeling ambivalent, nothing shocking enough to remember (I’d say any year before the age of 7 for me). I think 2018 was none of those types of years. 2018 was a roller coaster of emotions, of constant up and downs. I remember crying myself to sleep many times, screaming at my parents for something that I was solely responsible for, and for letting my emotions affect my disposition for far longer than they deserved. Nevertheless, I’ve discovered that it’s during these types of years that I learn and grow the most. I will never forget what my advisor from my freshman year told me: life is a rollercoaster. There will be highs and lows but what’s important to remember is that when I’m at a low, to remember that it will get better. And likewise, when I’m at a high, to prepare myself for a low and once again, to remind myself that it will be okay. I suppose this is one of the ultimate realizations in life: that it won’t always be a breeze. 

2018 was the year where I learned the true meaning of friendship. 

It was the year where I rediscovered my love for fiction novels. (Some favorites…Educated, Where the Crawdads Sing, The Great Alone).

It was the year where I learned about gratitude and the power of giving back.

It was the year where I discovered how true happiness manifests. 

I’m not upset about 2018 even though I was deeply troubled, insecure, and sad at certain lows throughout the year. Honestly, I’m grateful it happened because I’ve come out of the year stronger than when I approached it. I feel as if I have a game plan now for tackling setbacks and low points and I’m hopeful that 2018 has prepared me well for this year. Cheers to 2019.