What one was will never be again

These frozen raindrops will never be again in exactly the same way

"What once was will never be again" -Israel Milkow

My advisor shared this beautiful quote with me, and I stopped to think about what it meant. I think it brings light upon a balanced life, one that is equally shared by happiness and doldrums. Two weeks, I felt happy. Happy about things I didn't know I could even be happy about. I felt lighter on my feet. This past week has been difficult. I'm been stressed about my art project, which I spent 4 hours on today and still didn't complete, and an upcoming french presentation. I had three assessments on Friday, and I struggled to relax. I was tired this week as well, and I felt overwhelmed at certain points.

But as Milkow says, my good days two weeks ago will "never be again" in exactly the same way, and the way in which this past week was difficult was "never be again" and make me feel exactly the same way. It's a balance. It won't be good forever, and it won't be bad forever. But when it's bad, I need to push through to the good. It's something I'm working to remember.

A subtle confidence

This past week, I got my braces off.  I’ve had them for nearly two years, which to be fair, is not a lot, though I got them on a little bit later than most of my peers, and thus, I still had them on during high school.  When they came off, my teeth felt oddly smooth and slimy, and I could eat normally!  

But since my braces came off on Wednesday, I have gained more confidence.  Someone in my English class said to me that she sees me smile more.  I am petite, and most people would agree that I do not look my age.  Braces only made me appear younger, and more like a middle school kid.  With them off now, I’ve gained a weird sort of confidence.  It’s not the same kind of confidence that I feel when I’ve scored well on a test or organized a successful school event.  I’d like to think of it as a subtle confidence, in something as small as a smile.  It’s not something that’s a life changer; it merely expresses another of my emotions.  It radiates when I’m walking through campus and say hi to someone, when I laugh, when I’m happy, or when I’m interested in something someone else has to say.  It’s not an internal confidence I feel; it’s a subtle type of confidence that penetrates through certain emotions like happiness.

Small things bring happiness

This past Thursday, for some reason, I felt very happy.  I felt content.  I felt satisfied.  And I felt as if I’d accomplished something.  I was busy as well on Thursday, walking from class to class, loaded with homework, and meetings.  Nevertheless, even with all the homework and club meeting, I felt happy. 

At dinner, I sat with my friend and I was describing this feeling of content and satisfaction. It was an odd feeling.  I asked myself why I felt so happy and relieved.  It took me some time to pinpoint these reasons; midterms were the following day and I had an essay that was due, and I had yet to practice piano.  I thought and I came up with three things that made me feel happy.  I’d been complimented by my coach from FIT, one of my acquaintances came up to me and confirmed that my club was running today, and I said hi to many people who said hi back in Commons.  

It was the small things that made Thursday pass with the snap of my fingers.  I realized the simple things brought me this happiness, that felt like I was floating on clouds.  Big things can elicit a feeling of joy, but I think it’s the small things when added up, that bring about true happiness.  And since these deeds are so small, I’ll remember to share them with other people each day.  Compliment people, acknowledge their presence, and have random conversations.  These helped me feel content and hopefully I can spread that to someone else.  

Andover Business Club

These past few weeks, I’ve been working to start up Andover Business Club. 

Business Club was originally founded by some seniors a couple years ago, but this year, ceased to run.  I was disappointed by this (as someone interested in business), so I contacted the faculty advisor and asked if I could start it up this term.  This past week was Winter 2017 midterms, and just yesterday, ABC ran its first meeting.

It was a long process, with some nooks and crannies to get past.  The process of starting the club up itself was long and tedious, in the sense that I encountered resistance initially and had to find another way to bring across the message.  Starting a club as a freshman, actually, restarting up a club that was previously run by a senior, was difficult.  Last year the culture of the club was simple and limited: all boys from pretty much the same dorm.  This year, one of my goals is to diversify who attends the clubs.  

Contacting last years members was an interesting process.  They were very glued to last year’s idea about starting a business, while I was pushing for a discussion based club about business.  With some consulting from my dad, I felt that running a business on campus was almost guaranteed to fail, and a discussion based club would be more sustainable.  

Advertising came just around the right time.  Club Rally was last Friday, and I made a poster for ABC.  I think one of the things I observed from club rally was what made a club successful in getting people the first round, and what made it difficult (keeping people to stay is a different story).  I felt that being informative, talkative, and give generally good vibes about the people running the club, not even the club itself, was key to getting many people to sign up.  I think many times, simply having interesting and optimistic club leaders will attract people.  

Yesterday, our first club meeting of the 2017-2018 academic year consisted of one thing from me: I prepared a topic before hand.  Since our club is 100% discussion based (no lectures), I just sat by and watched where the discussion would go.  This week’s topic was Apple’s appearance at CES.  They are fairly well known for not attending this show, but for some reason this year they did.  I noticed after about 5 minutes, that the conversation expanded more to Apple as a company in general.  In the future, I’m going to pick more general topics to discuss, because I learned that specific topics are generally too specific to generate enough conversation for 30 minutes.  I’m learning about how people react to certain things, and respond to certain ideas.  Andover is a very diverse place, where people from all different backgrounds come.  Each person brings his or her own opinion.  

This club is starting up halfway through the year, while other clubs have already stabilized with the Fall Club Rally kickoff. It’s going to be hard, but the team is up for the fight.  

I also started a blog for ABC: andoverbusinessclub.blogspot.com. 

MLK Day Reflection

 For the past 20 years, Andover has not taken MLK Day as a day-off.  Although there are no classes, there are workshops and events that we participate in instead.  On Monday, I attended an All School Meeting at the Chapel.  A speaker, who is a professor at Yale, came over to our campus to speak.  Her speech sparked many conversations later this week.   

In a dorm meeting last night, we talked about the messages she attempted to convey through her presentation, some of them including women’s rights, and how bravery is necessary to step out of our comfort zones.  I am not alone in feeling her talk was a little bit scattered; her ideas were very general and were difficult to link together.  However, these general ideas were powerful in the sense that they sparked later conversations.

In English class today, we dedicated an entire class to talk about the points made during ASM.  I think the one that stuck out to me the most, was entitlement.  Something Claudia mentioned during her speech was that many white people will dye their hair blonde, while blue eyes are desirable by some people as well.  It was something I’d seen, but never really stopped to ask why.  I finally stood and asked myself, why? I’ve seen it for sure.  Many actresses dye their hair lighter, and there are contact lenses that make ones eyes blue.  In English class we discussed how in history, “whiteness” has been associated with power.  I’ve mentioned how race has been a hard topic for me in the past, and in late 2017, I realized why through a theater script.  Claudia’s speech gave me more insight and opened new facets as to why. In English we discussed how power is associated with whiteness is something.  I thought “asianess” was not associated with power, and that there was its own string of stereotypes that I knew didn’t apply to me.  I learned about the case of Emmett Till.  We talked about how the white perpetrator is obscure, while the story is known by the name of the black victim.  Racism and prejudice is evident in our culture, but I’m realizing how blind I am to its relevance in our society. 

Coming to Andover, this must have been one of the biggest things I’ve learned about.  Racism, equality, our country’s history, and the different social expectations different people must live up to, are all becoming more known and relevant to my life.  I came to Andover with very little knowledge about this.  And I was oblivious to how little I knew.  But this community is structured in a way where it is safe, and necessary, to talk about these topics.  I’m also a little bit surprised, but in admiration, for how much some of my friends understand about these issues.  There is endless terminology that I didn’t even know existed!  Yet my friends know them and they are kind to explain it to me and to avoid assuming everyone is as educated in these matters as they are.  

This week has opened me up to some corners and nooks in our society.  Some questions about “whiteness”, entitlement, and inequality have rung true in my mind, as an Asian-American. I almost never think about most of these issues at hand, and now, having pulled them out of the box, I have a feeling they’re not going to return back into the shadows. 

The Role of Age

Age seems to play an important role at school.  

It’s almost expected that freshman are a certain way, sophomores are another, juniors are different, and that seniors are very mature.  There are social expectations that I think each person is able to adopt as they age and move up in the ranks.  It’s sometimes looked down upon when someone younger tries to do something that older kids do.

There are some norms that I find very interesting.  I’ve been slowly collecting them, and keeping a mental list of the things I, as a freshman, “can” and “cannot” do.  The most prominent one I feel is where I “can” sit to eat.  Our dining hall is split into two floors, which two halls on each floor.  We conveniently named these different halls, Lower Right, Lower Left, Upper Right, and Upper Left.   Each dining hall is designated for different groups of people.  Lower Right is for 11th and 12th graders.  Lower Left is a cafeteria style; usually staff and upperclassmen sit there.  Upper Right is for 9th and 10th graders, while Upper Left is tacitly agreed upon to be the dining room where faculty and their families eat.  I particularly enjoy Lower Left, as it reminds me of a restaurant, due to the high top tables and cafe style.  

Freshman are also typically not supposed to start clubs; we’re the ones that join clubs.  Yesterday, I set up the Andover Business Club table at Club Rally in hopes of starting up ABC this term.  Even though I look nothing like a senior, some people who passed by my table assumed I was a senior because I had a table at Club Rally.  Starting and running clubs, is primarily dominated by the 11th and 12th graders.  

Freshman also study in the basement of the library.  There are no windows in the basement and the ceilings are uncomfortably low.  Meanwhile, upperclassmen study in the main floors of the library, where it is bright, there are comfortable chairs, and there are actually windows!  

Freshman are definitely separated from other grades; we’re like our own little clan.  It’s interesting though, because although we will still be the same people next year, we can upgrade to the main floors of the library, start clubs, and in two years, we’ll be able to eat in Lower Right.  

I wonder though, why age is such an important factor in determining the social dynamic in my school.  What if there are seniors who simply like eating in Upper Right?  I got some looks for being a freshman who is starting up Business Club.  What if a freshman has a really good idea for a club?  Age can hinder these things, and in a way, I wish people would look past the materialistic aspect of people’s identities and focus on the more individual aspects of each person. 

Friday at the gym

At the gym the on Friday, I had worked out my core, and I was on the elliptical jamming away to my workout playlist, when an acquaintance of mine pulled out a ladder a few feet in front of my elliptical.  When I went to tennis camp at Harvard, the ladder was part of our workout routine for quick feet.  I was good at several different foot patterns, including the shuffle across the side of the ladder.  I knew I was agile on my feet, but when I saw how this acquaintance of mine moved through the ladder, I knew my footwork was nothing compared to his.

I’m usually very quiet at the gym.  I do not socialize like most of the other people at the gym do.  To someone who doesn’t know me very well, I must come off as a ridiculously serious and concentrated workout addict.  My mentality calls for this.  I know I’m limited on time, so I try to maximize every minute at the gym.  But when I jumped off the elliptical and sparked a conversation with this acquaintance who’d I’d talked to once, we started having a good conversation.  I also learned how three new patterns for the ladder, which I’ve practiced and replayed in my head several times.  

In addition, the other people at the gym who’d previously seen me every day, who’d seen me only super focused jamming out to my playlist, saw me smile at the gym.  That changed a lot of things, because had a little line going on for the ladder.  There were laughs.  My parents repeatedly tell me I don’t have to be so serious all the time.  I didn’t believe I was serious, I thought I was a really outgoing girl…until I actually stepped out of my comfort zone.  Friday at the gym: I came off as more approachable as soon as I began laughing and smiling, and I learned some new workouts just by being curious, stepping out, and starting a conversation with an acquaintance who I now know better.  It’s a win-win-win.  

Review: Little Fires Everywhere

A few days before break ended, I finished Celeste Ng’s newest novel, Little Fires Everywhere.  

It’s a gripping story about a peripatetic family of a single mother and her teenage daughter.  Mia only hopes that her daughter Pearl will grow up like other teenagers, as Mia is an artist at heart, who lives nomadically, changing Pearl to new schools every couple of months.  

Finally, the two decide to settle for good in Shaker Heights, Ohio, which prides itself in perfection and methods.  They rent a house that belongs to the Richardson family, and soon, Pearl becomes close friends with the four Richardson children.  

However, one of Mia’s coworkers finds herself in a mess after giving up her own child due to poverty.  A couple who is close friends with the Richardson’s happens to have adopted this child.  The adoption papers aren’t official yet, but Mia’s coworker, Bebe, wants her child back, claiming she is fit to be a mother now.  A huge trial takes place, Mia siding with Bebe, and the Richardson’s siding with the baby’s new family.  This trial tears the Richardson’s apart from their new tenant, as Mrs. Richardson is determined to uncover Mia’s personal background.

______

I had trouble putting this book down near the end!  The pace accelerates very quickly from the middle and onwards.  However, the beginning is a definite slow start, as many different facts, relationships, and characters need to be established.  It is fairly complicated, with several plots, both from the present and the past twisting together into what Celeste Ng calls, Little Fires Everywhere. 

Humility and Curiosity for 2018

I’ve been thinking about my 2018 New Year’s resolutions for some time now.  I was first asked this question in a Phillipian interview via email, and I stopped to think about what I wanted to improve on this year.  This was in the first week of December.

Someone whom I really admire is the head of school, Mr. Palfrey.  One characteristic about Mr. Palfrey is that he’s extremely modest.  He does not show off his accomplishments and in his speeches, I’ve noticed he merely refuses to speak with extremes, which makes his speeches believable and down-to-earth.  Instead, he speaks about other people’s accomplishments with the utmost admiration, which leads to my second goal for 2018. 

Curiosity.  My dad keeps emphasizing the importance of living with a continuous thirst for learning.  Though this is something that seems embedded in one’s personality, I believe curiosity can be developed.  I think there’s power of understanding more, and for me, I believe curiosity is merely about being ok with learning a little bit of everything.  My parents gave me a good example about my friend’s dad.  He works at MGH and he’s an engineer.  But he has a multitude of hobbies.  And when I say a multitude of hobbies, I mean he explores and learns about all different things, from Arduino boards to astrology to cameras to mechanical engineering to plant science to classical music.  Simply put, he learns about everything with an open mind.  He refuses to shut down a topic, or say I know I’m not going to be interested in that.  That’s curiosity.