Something missing

On Monday, after sports at 4:00, I stood by the giant, glass window of the Athletics Center, observing the Academic Building at the Upper School campus, separated merely by a serene field covered with five inches of downy snow. At this time of year, the sun sets around 4:30 P.M.

On Monday, the period of the day photographers refer to as the minutes of “Golden Light”, the setting sun cast a bright light orange, golden and faintly red ray of light onto smoke that was steadily rising from the Academic Building chimneys. The white snow that lay motionlessly on the field seemed to develop character as rays of fiery warm hues reflected upon its ultra cold appearance. The sun was dropping, standing barely above the tallest branches of a row of trees. I watched it slowly drop, flimsily, until only the light it emitted was visible between the branches of that row of trees. I was dazzled by this scene.

It brought a sense of peace…tranquility. All other voices around me seemed to blend into background noise. It was just me. Present in the present. Staring out into the field, at the fiery smoke rising from the chimneys, at the darkening shadows of the nearby trees. It was just me being present with myself, an aspect of self-communication I don’t practice quite enough. That’s when thoughts splurged through my head. Life…my schedules…school…tryouts for varsity tennis…applications…homework…piano…time…. It was then that I sensed something missing.

For this past week I couldn’t quite pinpoint exactly what I felt I was missing. I went for runs to try to figure it out. I meditated. I paced. It just felt like something was off…something was missing. I didn’t feel the same bliss I’ve felt before, and I suppose it may have been due to the inclination of January being a busy month.

Yet something I proudly practiced three times this week helped me pinpoint my feeling of vacancy…of less than satisfactory satisfaction. I went on my yoga mat, and practiced simply 20 minutes of my vinyasa flow yoga. I listened to my body and followed how it desired to move. I imagined water flowing through me. After three days of yoga, I think I’ve found what’s been missing.

Adventure. Appreciation for myself.

Now, I’m just brainstorming ways I can recover the missing pieces to the puzzle. I’m on the right track…I’m sure of it. I’ve felt the sensation of liberty and precariousness before. I know the feeling. I just need to see that I do.