How my ji xing helps and hurts me

I’ve recently come to realize my inclination in getting things done fast. I have what my mom calls a ji xing in Mandarin. It’s not a personality disorder or anything serious. I would say it’s just a personality type. It’s where I feel the need and the rush to finish everything. It’s not that I have other things I want to do after. Though this is not a dictionary definition, I would describe a someone who has a ji xing as someone who has an addiction to the gratifying feeling of being done.

I’ve stopped to think about my ji xing and I’ve discovered the magnitude of this “addiction” of mine, through observing my close friend. I’ve written about her before, and while she may be slightly disorganized and have a tendency to be a little late to everything, I believe she’s the true epitome of someone who takes her time with everything. My friend does not like to struggle with physics homework, however, she will spend hours on end reviewing for tests and quizzes, patiently staying awake late at night until she believes she understands every concept clearly. Only then will she allow herself to go to bed. She also takes her time getting ready in the morning (not accounting for the fact that she’s around 3 minutes late to first period every day!). When I say she takes her time, I mean she also takes one hour to eat dinner. 

My friend and I are polar opposites in this sense. When she walks around, I sense an aura of patience. Her steps glide gracefully, and her arms moved in a relaxed manner. I usually wait for my friend in the morning (if she doesn’t make me late to class of course!) and even when we have merely four minutes to get to class, she’ll still be pacing around in her room looking for things slowly, as if she had all the time in the world. Watching her try to find her stuff, the only thought going through my head is, “GO!!!  Faster! Why is this taking so long??? Why does she not appear the slightest bit rushed?” On the other, I can sense my exigency and my strong sense of time through the way I walk. I often have my hands in my pockets to minimize air resistance, and I’ll take longer strides like the business people in New York take when they’re walking through the city. I feel an evident lack of patience in many things I do, and I find things are usually exciting to do in the beginning but after spending some time working on it, all I want to do it to finish it. Again, this is both good and bad. Ironically, it keeps me on schedule and prevents me from burning my brains out on small details, but it also deters my ability to delve deep into whatever I’m trying to accomplish. 

I aspire to instill patience into my life and personality. I always seem to be rushing through everything I do, which results in lower quality results. I rush through my homework, and on exceptionally crammed nights, I find myself focusing on finishing over learning. I find myself focusing on drawing that check mark of completion rather than reflecting on what I actually learned.  I’m seeing gaps in my lifestyle as well. Instead of sitting down to spend time with friends at dinner, I’m too rushed to go off and work on that homework. It’s as if every time I’m trying to do one thing, I’m always simultaneously thinking about the next thing I have to do later, distracting me from what I have to do in a particular moment. 

Of course, I must recenter myself to the idea of balance again. I frequently write about having balance and avoiding the extremes. This idea is no exception. I would like to take a reasonable amount of time for everything I do, but not take excessive time doing everything. Maybe I don’t need to spend an hour eating dinner every night or take one hour long showers as my friend does. On the other hand, when I try to produce quality work, I recognize the demand and the necessity to sit down and really spend more quality time. I’ve already begun to implement this idea in subtle ways. I’m spending more time reading through my physics textbook before I dive into the homework problems, and I’m spending more time previewing topics before we learn them in class. I’m experiencing positive benefits, as classes are easier to understand, I complete the homework more efficiently, and overall, I gain more from my learning experience. Another small way I’ve began to implement patience into my life is through making and drinking hot chocolate. Instead of making a cup of hot chocolate in the dorm and drinking it in a matter of five minutes so that I can clean the mug as soon as possible, I take my time sipping the drink to genuinely enjoy the chocolaty taste of winter. 

I know we’re still a few weeks from New Years, but I’ve started mentally gathering things I would like to work on for 2019. This is one idea I’d like to add to my bucket list: to be more patient and spend quality time with everything that’s in front of me instead of worrying about the next thing on my plate.

16

My birthday posts consisted of rants about increased responsibilities with age in the past. I wrote consistently about the difference in responsibilities even though having an extra year on my age didn’t make me feel any different physically. 

This year, I’ve come to a new understanding of age and my birthday (which will probably evolve further when I age). I believe my birthday is a time for reflection, a time where I can look back at my progress and my struggles from a safe distance, knowing that this year is past and that new things are to come.  When I say “safe distance”, I’m suggesting that I can reflect on my life, knowing that it has already moved on in a way. This sort of reflection empowers me to take what went well, and recognize what didn’t go so well, and apply it to this new year of my life. So here I go…

15. A year where I realized what true friendship meant through observing the social dynamic of my schools dining hall. It was a year where I did a lot of traveling, which I am forever grateful for. It was the year I became interested in Korean drama and KPop. It was the year where I realized what genuine gratitude truly meant through the idea of reciprocation. It was the year that I became interested in debate and refined my voice in public speaking. 

At 15, I was still navigating my way through my first year at PA. I refined my study habits, even though they’re still evolving with each coming term. I managed to start a club at 15, and now my club is trying to start a service on campus. At 15, I enjoyed playing tennis the most and I picked up XC again at school. My favorite book from this year was Educated by Tara Westover. I’m also proud of how frequently I met up with my old friends. Being at boarding school put some distance between myself and my friends back home, but I intentionally put effort into keeping in touch. 15 was also the year where I discovered how true happiness manifests. 

While I discovered how unintentional true happiness is, 15 also consisted of a neverending rollercoaster of emotions, particularly in its second half. I felt pretty down at times for prolonged periods of days. Upon retrospection, my math teacher seems to have identified my biggest problem, the problem that’s dragging me down. He notices that I feel as if I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders with my worries about college, about finding a job, about doing well in school etc. As a result, sometimes I let one low grade on a test reflect me as a whole when in reality, it’s merely a marker of my performance on one particular test. I have a tendency to blow up the true worth of each grade and I’ve let setbacks get in the way of my happiness.  

I hope to improve upon this area during 16. I hope to able to see the value of a test and learning, without allowing a low grade on one test reflect my entire worth. I will strive to put things more into perspective. As cliche of a phrase as this sounds, I need to realize that screwing up on one assessment in a class won’t utterly determine my life. 15 was a rollercoaster, but it was also a year of realization. I’ve got a new goal for 16 and one year from now, I’m going to take a look at how I’ve done. 

A post of thanks

I spent my Thanksgiving on a sailboat down in Florida. I was down in Key West for most of this past week, so I was unable to blog, but as I say every year, gratitude should be given constantly. So, here I go, a few days late, a little bit tired from the late night flight, but still grateful. 

I’m eternally grateful for my parents. They drive up to school each weekend, not just to see me, but to help me with subjects I’m struggling with. I’m grateful for them staying up until I go to bed, explaining physics to me. For allowing me to vent my anger out, even when they have nothing to do with whatever’s upsetting me. For putting my happiness and my wants above their needs. For trying to put my failures and setbacks into perspectives, and for pushing me to be better every single day. Thank you thank you thank you.

I’m grateful for my best friend at school. I haven’t had a “best friend” in a while, but I can confidently say that my best friend at school brings me the greatest laughs each day. We have a compatible companionship (yes we even brush our teeth together) and she helps me in school work. I suppose our personalities and organization are polar opposites and I don’t know how we became friends but what I’ve found is that my best friend fills in the gaps where I’m lacking. Whatever it is about us two, I wouldn’t change a thing. 

I’m grateful for my math teacher for being a teacher beyond math. He’s a writer, he would make a great comedian, and he gives his students individually tailored advice. 

I’m grateful for my teachers, for all the people I’ve toured at school who’ve cheered up my Thursdays, and for all the Starbucks I’ve had. 

“Give thanks not just on Thanksgiving day but every day of your life. Appreciate and never take for granted all that you have” -Caroline Pulsifer

That's why I didn't title this post "Thanksgiving".  This post is really just "A Post of Thanks" and I should write more of these posts throughout the year.

Gene editing

I have recently gotten into listening to WSJ’s Future of Everything podcast. WSJ has many different podcasts including Tech News Briefing, Secrets of Wealthy Women, and What’s News. The Future of Everything focuses on technological innovations, and really, imagining what our future may look like. 

I have this habit, not necessarily a bad one, of listening to podcast after podcast on the elliptical. This week, I found one particular one I’d like to highlight called Customized Kids: Are designer babies on the way? Its title pretty much encapsulates the essence of this episode about genetic engineering. 

Genetic engineering was originally designed as a bulwark against congenital diseases such as diabetes and cystic fibrosis. What’s happened is that scientists discovered ways to manipulate genes that can also control physical appearances such as eye color and gender. Many questions of ethics arise from genetic engineering. 

Dr. Jeffrey Steinberg, the founder of Fertility Institutes explains that when would-be parents come into his office and request for a baby that has a particular eye color or a particular hair color, he will scan both parents to find possible combinations of genes that would lead them to not have a baby with those traits. If the desired trait the would-be parents would like to have is possible to have, then hormones are given to a woman that causes her to release around 10-14 eggs. These are fertilized and then scientists will go through and pick the embryo that possesses the desired trait. 

After listening to this podcast, and more importantly, to both sides of the issue, I’m still on the fence. There was a man with type 1 diabetes who was interviewed for the episode. He was against the idea of genetic engineering, saying that if his parents had the technology 20 years ago to pick the fittest and healthiest embryo, he would not exist today. It troubles me to think of the truth in his statement. The implications of genetic engineering would give way and allow for a “perfect” society and in a way, us humans would be defying the laws of mother nature. And then there are questions of privilege. Genetic engineering, whether to prevent diseases or for cosmetic purposes, is expensive and would lend itself to privilege. Is it ethical that some people have access to these benefits while others don’t?

Conversely, what’s interesting is that China has been trying to find genes that cause intelligence. For several years now, they have been analyzing hundreds of people with high IQ’s, in attempts to find common traits. Hypothetically, China would be able to change the base or average intelligence of its entire population, and in theory, regardless of whether someone was an executive or homeless, these people would be more intelligent than people from other countries. There are clear benefits to gene editing, but I believe what China is trying to do is raise the base level of intelligence. 

I believe gene editing is effective when it is applied to an entire population. For example, when an entire population’s intelligence is raised, or when an entire population is exempt from sickle-cell anemia or another congenital disease. In a way, we would still be defying mother nature. But then there’s the other side of the case with gene editing for cosmetic traits. Is it ethical to edit a baby’s features, or as the podcast calls it, “customize” them? I have a feeling this would perpetuate racial stereotypes and bias. While there are clear benefits when genetic engineering is applied to rid of life-threatening diseases, once the technology is released, it will be difficult to restrict customers from using gene editing to acquire particular cosmetic traits in their children. While gene editing certainly has its benefits, there are questions of ethics we must consider as a society. How far will we allow gene editing to go? What is a valid reason to select one embryo over another? Can any would-be parents do gene testing or only couples with predisposed diseases? It’s a topic that’s been on my mind recently, and as of now, I’m still unsure of where I stand on the matter. 

Those Days When We're Just Not Feeling It

Everyone has days where they’re down, or simply not feeling it. When this happens, our attitudes, our outlooks on life’s possibilities, and most importantly our happiness is skewed.

I wish everyday could be happy. I wish I could feel my best everyday, but never in anyone’s life will that ever happen. When I was five, I became mad over who got the last cookie in class, or who was the line leader in 4th grade. Now I become mad when I don’t perform well on a test or when I miss a workout. I believe there’s always going to be something that upsets us, and this is proportional to our age. For example, by the time I’m an adult, I may become disappointed with my performance in an interview which leads me to not get the job I want. There are so many possible outcomes in life which makes it difficult to pinpoint what triggers us. All I know is that things that trigger us are continuously going to change. 

This brings me back to what one of my house counselors told me, that one day, your world just expands and things that used to matter no longer do. It simply like now I don’t care who has the last cookie in the tray, or who’s the first to enter the classroom, or who’s the first to leave the classroom in the line. Things that used to matter to my 5-year-old self no longer do, and perhaps that’s the first signifier that yes, my world is expanding. I envision that in 20 years, that one physics test I bombed isn’t going to matter, even though it does today. Our worlds are expanding, and before we find what truly matters, the grass will always be greener on the other side.

That being said, I’m not always perfect. There are going to be days when I do things and when I say things that I otherwise wouldn’t do. I’m happy to say this usually only happens on my down days or on those days where I’m “just out of it”. In middle school, I worked on an art for social change project about empathy. I think it’s especially important in those times for me to be able to find my circle of people who will empathize and understand my exceptional, seemingly out-of-the-blue behavior that’s really a manifestation of an inner struggle. I suppose this week has a lot to do with that empathy project I worked on in middle school. Empathy is being with a person when they’re struggling. Empathy is understanding that on a blue day, a person will probably not be themselves and to be okay with that. Empathy. There it is again, a word I used to just say meaninglessly thinking I understood what it meant. Now I do. 

Focus on what's in my control

This weekend I hit my all time low of the term.

I took a physics test two weeks ago, and scored above average however, my teacher gives everyone retakes regardless of the initial score because the new score replaces the original. I decided to take my chances with the retake. I scored 15 points lower. 

For the past weekend, I’ve cried myself to sleep every night because of that one score. A couple of my classes are on the verge of where I want to be and this past retake test pulled my physics grade down. Though I have two more weeks and multiple exams in most subjects to improve upon, I feel a lot of pressure and I think I’m struggling to come to terms with myself. This morning, playing tennis was extremely difficult. I couldn’t concentrate and I seemed to be framing shots that I wouldn’t otherwise miss. My head was in another space. I couldn’t stop thinking about the work I needed to do and how little sleep I would be getting these upcoming two weeks. 

Why? Why am I overthinking all of this? On Friday night I was conferencing with my math teacher, and he told me I’m overthinking everything. He can tell my head is always in two places at once. Until Friday night, I’d never considered that possibility. Could I really be overthinking everything? I think I am. Instead of finding topics to solidify, I’m too busy preparing myself for a bad grade. Instead of focusing on playing tennis, I’m thinking about what I need to do for physics review. Instead of doing physics homework thoughtfully, I’m too concerned about how quickly I can complete it. Even as I’m blogging, I’m thinking about all the secondary sources I need to go through to write a successful history essay. Simply put, my math teacher says I’m setting expectations much too high for myself, and at this point, I’m in a rugged competition against myself. Coming to terms with myself and my limitations as a human will be my goal for the rest of this term. 

I would like to recenter myself through writing this post. Writing my feelings and thoughts out has pretty consistently been my second favorite ways to recuperate after exercising. Here I go. I’d like to ask myself what is an education? Why am I struggling? How can I improve? When I reconsidered why I’ve been so stressed and a sad this weekend, I said it’s because of that one test. Is that really it? I’ve written about resilience in the past. Is this at all demonstrating my understanding of resilience? I have two more weeks of school, and only one more week of classes. I suppose the most resilient thing I can do right now is to push through and focus on what’s in my control. 

You have to experience sadness to know happiness

"Some days are just bad days, that's all. You have to experience sadness to know happiness, and I remind myself that not every day is going to be a good day, that's just the way it is!" -Dita von Teese

Just like you have to experience cold weather to know hot weather, you have to experience knowing before you feel confused, you're feelings are hurt before you learn to stop hurting others' feelings, you have to work hard before you can feel relaxation, you have to give up once before you learn when to keep going, you have to lose before you can win, you have to sink before you can float.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Perhaps Newton's Third Law applies beyond physics.

Every minute must be intentional

It’s sadden me that I’m giving up piano. I’ve been playing piano for over ten years now, and while I was never a rigorous player, I always practiced consistently. As a freshman, I found time to practice every night and over the summer, I practiced daily as well. Even though I’m just one year older, it’s so difficult to find time to practice. I practice maybe once per week, and during the weekends, I’m always cooped up in my dorm working on something. During my piano lesson last week, I told my teacher I would be dropping piano winter term. 

While I’m sitting here writing that I don’t have time to practice, the truth is, I think I could have time. My having to quit piano is really my own workings of not making time for it. When I look at all the people at school who seem to be part of every dance group, every math club, every community engagement, and every debate team, I always wonder how they do it. Maybe they cut back on sleep. Maybe they don’t finish all their homework. Maybe they do finish their homework for the week during the weekends, and then focus on those clubs during the week. The thing is, at Andover and in the rest of life, I realize that nothing is going to happen unless I make time for it. 

Perhaps I’ve learned this the hard way, by allowing myself to fall too deep into the habit of not practicing piano, and not making time for it. When I say “make time for it”, I mean write out a schedule and leave a slot blank. I didn’t realize how intentional making time had to be. Each weekend I’ve told myself, alright Ava, you’re gonna relax this weekend and watch a movie. It never happened. The TV’s would be off the entire weekend and my Amazon PrimeVideo app would not be opened either. This weekend, I tried something different. I told myself not to work from 7-8 PM. During that time I actually did not work and I found time to enjoy a portion of a movie. I suppose that’s how all those people on campus who seem to be a part of every club manage their time. I’ve learned nothing is just going to happen if I tell myself to do it. Every minute must be intentional, and making time for things in my life is really a testament of how well I can purposefully delegate time. 

Experiencing synergy through trust

I used to write frequently about about synergy after reading The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens by Stephen Covey. This was back in seventh grade, when I thought I grasped the power of working together with other people. My work with my club, Andover Business Club, this week has changed my understanding of the breadth and scope of this concept which I used to throw around so carelessly.  

I’m the President of Business Club on campus, and something we’ve been trying to start this year, is an on-campus delivery service of simple school supplies, toiletries, and snacks for boarders in hopes of saving people time and money. We call this service BluBoxes. I have been working closely with our club advisor and the deans on campus throughout this past month of school, but as we got the club rolling I realized I was doing everything by myself. I found myself communicating with the deans, the CFO, our club advisor, running club rally, in addition to organizing and planning out our weekly club meetings. It felt I was doing everything, and at club meetings, none of my other board members seemed to know how to help me. I remember telling them that the act of us sharing our ideas was good synergy. That was exactly the opposite of synergy, a concept I so strongly believed I understood as a middle schooler.  

I talked to one of the other board members of the club about feeling like I was doing everything for the club, from operations to planning to communications to execution. He responded very honestly, “Ava, that’s because you are.” That response took me by surprise. “You need to delegate jobs. It’ll be much faster and you won’t feel like you’re doing everything.” I hadn’t realized how accurate his statement was, until I reflected on why I felt the need to do everything. 

I think a major factor that drove me to try to do everything was the fact that I only trusted my own work. For me that hit me hard when the speed of the approval  process began to quicken, and when I realized how much closer we are to our first orders than I had previously believed. That was last week. It was when I realized I could no longer handle everything, and I decided to try “delegating”. 

Delegating seemed weird to me. I was no longer doing everything, I was overseeing everything that was done. That was a little bit scary at first, since I could no longer guarantee whether it would actually be done or not. I sent two people to prepare next weeks club meeting, one person to make a slideshow for it, two people to get an account with the school started for BluBoxes, two people to create an excel sheet with price comparisons for the various products we planned on selling, and for a few people to collectively manage the social media account.  I assigned this work on Tuesday evening, and when I checked in on the group chat, everything had already been completely. I walked into Saturday with money in a bank account, with a rolling Instagram account, a plan for the club meeting next week, and a slideshow to go with it, none of which I had explicitly done myself.  I still can’t quite fathom why in the past I only trusted myself to do tasks. I realize how selfish it was of me, and how inefficient it was for the club. I realize that this past week, we collectively made more progress than I’ve made in the past month by myself. This team work was very incredible.

More importantly, I’ve learned that the people who applied for board positions last year are on the board because they want to be there, and because they want to do this work for BluBoxes and Business Club. I’ve learned to trust them, and finally after four years of thinking I knew what it truly entailed, I’ve demonstrated synergy and experienced the power of this word that I used to throw around unknowingly. 

Life is a rollercoaster

Life is a rollercoaster. 

This week has made me realize how life is constantly a cycle of highs and lows but this week also made me realize how I’m not the only one on this rollercoaster. I started the week off feeling strong on Sunday evening. Sitting on the sofa in the common room, I stared at my english essay, thought about my physics test and I felt like I could conquer all my midterm assessments, four of which were on Friday. I felt a particular strength in my head, and an I can totally do this attitude pervaded through my body. 

This feeling of strength and happiness sustained all through Monday, but on Tuesday, the stress of physics hit me when I spent two hours on six homework problems. I went to Silent Study and sat there staring at my english essay, my french in-class essay, a math test, and my physics test. I remember trying to think about what each teacher expected of me, and I tried to stay positive. However it was difficult to stay positive when it felt like time slipped through of my fingers like grains of sand. 

By Wednesday night I was terribly stressed about physics as I had been unable to solve any problems without help. I had a math test the following the day which I felt underprepared for and in the midst of the stress and the frustration, I felt nothing but overwhelmed. It was the kind of night where I believed every second of the night counted and that what I did with every minute would make an impact on my performance and wellbeing the following day.

Friday night was my high of the week, as it habitually is. I took a walk downtown during the sunset after cross country, and all I could think to myself was, “wow, I made it”. I felt stronger than ever, and frankly, for a moment, I even thought I could conquer anything else that came at me after this week.  I went out to dinner with two of my friends, and we refrained from talking about exams. I think each of us wanted to clear our headspace from the long and stressful week. There was an evident sense of release and happiness amongst ourselves. I could see the glow in my friends’ eyes as we sat around the table, bonding over making it through the week and the scallion pancakes.

Andover is a special place for me: it builds an unique and tenacious character in each of its students. There’s a fire that burns in each of us on this campus that says, “I can do this.” I saw it in each of my friends this week, and it inspired me to feel similarly on Sunday night. But Andover in itself is a rollercoaster and that was a major theme for me this week. On nights that I felt down and overwhelmed, what motivated me to continue and push through was my belief that it would get better in the very near future.  

Life is a rollercoaster.