You have to experience sadness to know happiness

"Some days are just bad days, that's all. You have to experience sadness to know happiness, and I remind myself that not every day is going to be a good day, that's just the way it is!" -Dita von Teese

Just like you have to experience cold weather to know hot weather, you have to experience knowing before you feel confused, you're feelings are hurt before you learn to stop hurting others' feelings, you have to work hard before you can feel relaxation, you have to give up once before you learn when to keep going, you have to lose before you can win, you have to sink before you can float.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Perhaps Newton's Third Law applies beyond physics.

Every minute must be intentional

It’s sadden me that I’m giving up piano. I’ve been playing piano for over ten years now, and while I was never a rigorous player, I always practiced consistently. As a freshman, I found time to practice every night and over the summer, I practiced daily as well. Even though I’m just one year older, it’s so difficult to find time to practice. I practice maybe once per week, and during the weekends, I’m always cooped up in my dorm working on something. During my piano lesson last week, I told my teacher I would be dropping piano winter term. 

While I’m sitting here writing that I don’t have time to practice, the truth is, I think I could have time. My having to quit piano is really my own workings of not making time for it. When I look at all the people at school who seem to be part of every dance group, every math club, every community engagement, and every debate team, I always wonder how they do it. Maybe they cut back on sleep. Maybe they don’t finish all their homework. Maybe they do finish their homework for the week during the weekends, and then focus on those clubs during the week. The thing is, at Andover and in the rest of life, I realize that nothing is going to happen unless I make time for it. 

Perhaps I’ve learned this the hard way, by allowing myself to fall too deep into the habit of not practicing piano, and not making time for it. When I say “make time for it”, I mean write out a schedule and leave a slot blank. I didn’t realize how intentional making time had to be. Each weekend I’ve told myself, alright Ava, you’re gonna relax this weekend and watch a movie. It never happened. The TV’s would be off the entire weekend and my Amazon PrimeVideo app would not be opened either. This weekend, I tried something different. I told myself not to work from 7-8 PM. During that time I actually did not work and I found time to enjoy a portion of a movie. I suppose that’s how all those people on campus who seem to be a part of every club manage their time. I’ve learned nothing is just going to happen if I tell myself to do it. Every minute must be intentional, and making time for things in my life is really a testament of how well I can purposefully delegate time. 

Experiencing synergy through trust

I used to write frequently about about synergy after reading The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens by Stephen Covey. This was back in seventh grade, when I thought I grasped the power of working together with other people. My work with my club, Andover Business Club, this week has changed my understanding of the breadth and scope of this concept which I used to throw around so carelessly.  

I’m the President of Business Club on campus, and something we’ve been trying to start this year, is an on-campus delivery service of simple school supplies, toiletries, and snacks for boarders in hopes of saving people time and money. We call this service BluBoxes. I have been working closely with our club advisor and the deans on campus throughout this past month of school, but as we got the club rolling I realized I was doing everything by myself. I found myself communicating with the deans, the CFO, our club advisor, running club rally, in addition to organizing and planning out our weekly club meetings. It felt I was doing everything, and at club meetings, none of my other board members seemed to know how to help me. I remember telling them that the act of us sharing our ideas was good synergy. That was exactly the opposite of synergy, a concept I so strongly believed I understood as a middle schooler.  

I talked to one of the other board members of the club about feeling like I was doing everything for the club, from operations to planning to communications to execution. He responded very honestly, “Ava, that’s because you are.” That response took me by surprise. “You need to delegate jobs. It’ll be much faster and you won’t feel like you’re doing everything.” I hadn’t realized how accurate his statement was, until I reflected on why I felt the need to do everything. 

I think a major factor that drove me to try to do everything was the fact that I only trusted my own work. For me that hit me hard when the speed of the approval  process began to quicken, and when I realized how much closer we are to our first orders than I had previously believed. That was last week. It was when I realized I could no longer handle everything, and I decided to try “delegating”. 

Delegating seemed weird to me. I was no longer doing everything, I was overseeing everything that was done. That was a little bit scary at first, since I could no longer guarantee whether it would actually be done or not. I sent two people to prepare next weeks club meeting, one person to make a slideshow for it, two people to get an account with the school started for BluBoxes, two people to create an excel sheet with price comparisons for the various products we planned on selling, and for a few people to collectively manage the social media account.  I assigned this work on Tuesday evening, and when I checked in on the group chat, everything had already been completely. I walked into Saturday with money in a bank account, with a rolling Instagram account, a plan for the club meeting next week, and a slideshow to go with it, none of which I had explicitly done myself.  I still can’t quite fathom why in the past I only trusted myself to do tasks. I realize how selfish it was of me, and how inefficient it was for the club. I realize that this past week, we collectively made more progress than I’ve made in the past month by myself. This team work was very incredible.

More importantly, I’ve learned that the people who applied for board positions last year are on the board because they want to be there, and because they want to do this work for BluBoxes and Business Club. I’ve learned to trust them, and finally after four years of thinking I knew what it truly entailed, I’ve demonstrated synergy and experienced the power of this word that I used to throw around unknowingly. 

Life is a rollercoaster

Life is a rollercoaster. 

This week has made me realize how life is constantly a cycle of highs and lows but this week also made me realize how I’m not the only one on this rollercoaster. I started the week off feeling strong on Sunday evening. Sitting on the sofa in the common room, I stared at my english essay, thought about my physics test and I felt like I could conquer all my midterm assessments, four of which were on Friday. I felt a particular strength in my head, and an I can totally do this attitude pervaded through my body. 

This feeling of strength and happiness sustained all through Monday, but on Tuesday, the stress of physics hit me when I spent two hours on six homework problems. I went to Silent Study and sat there staring at my english essay, my french in-class essay, a math test, and my physics test. I remember trying to think about what each teacher expected of me, and I tried to stay positive. However it was difficult to stay positive when it felt like time slipped through of my fingers like grains of sand. 

By Wednesday night I was terribly stressed about physics as I had been unable to solve any problems without help. I had a math test the following the day which I felt underprepared for and in the midst of the stress and the frustration, I felt nothing but overwhelmed. It was the kind of night where I believed every second of the night counted and that what I did with every minute would make an impact on my performance and wellbeing the following day.

Friday night was my high of the week, as it habitually is. I took a walk downtown during the sunset after cross country, and all I could think to myself was, “wow, I made it”. I felt stronger than ever, and frankly, for a moment, I even thought I could conquer anything else that came at me after this week.  I went out to dinner with two of my friends, and we refrained from talking about exams. I think each of us wanted to clear our headspace from the long and stressful week. There was an evident sense of release and happiness amongst ourselves. I could see the glow in my friends’ eyes as we sat around the table, bonding over making it through the week and the scallion pancakes.

Andover is a special place for me: it builds an unique and tenacious character in each of its students. There’s a fire that burns in each of us on this campus that says, “I can do this.” I saw it in each of my friends this week, and it inspired me to feel similarly on Sunday night. But Andover in itself is a rollercoaster and that was a major theme for me this week. On nights that I felt down and overwhelmed, what motivated me to continue and push through was my belief that it would get better in the very near future.  

Life is a rollercoaster.

Saying no

Self care. That was one of the themes in this week’s All School Meeting, as speaker and author Hakeem Rahim talked about his struggles with bipolar disorder during his time as a student at Harvard.  He spoke of how he withdrew from Harvard for a period of time in order to recover and seek treatment, even though that meant giving up cheerleading, his academics, and a large part of his life at the university. However, even though he was disappointed and irritated that he was temporarily withdrawing, Rahim said that was a very important decision in his life, mostly because it meant taking time for himself to get better.

While I do not have bipolar disorder (or to go college for that matter), I think there are certain instances everyday where I do have the opportunity to make a decision that will impact my well being for following days.  It’s in those situations where I need to learn to say no. It’s hard to edge away from being a “yes-man”. At a school like Andover, there are so many things that I want to do in my extracurriculars, academics, and weekends. As I wrote about last week, there seems to be less time everyday and taking six courses is becoming increasingly difficult.  Being the yes-man I was last year is simply not going to cut the line for time management this year.  

I paid especially close attention to my time this weekend.  While I was not studying 24/7, there were many things I withdrew from short term to set myself up for success long term.  For example, on Friday our class had an optional laser tag trip.  About 80 kids in my grade signed up and I had initially as well.  However, on Friday night, after being hit harshly by some recent grades and academic work, I decided to take the night off to reflect, think, and work a little bit.  I opted to hang out by myself instead of go laser tagging, and while I’m not suggesting that I want to be a recluse, taking that night off allowed me to recuperate mentally from an exhausting week.  While I was unable to play one of my favorite childhood game, getting off that laser tag bus was probably one of the best decisions I made this weekend. 

Self-care. I want to recenter this post back to that word.  Self-care is not withdrawing from society and being a hermit.  Self-care, for me, is being able to involve myself with my own body, and knowing when I need time for myself and when I need time with other people.  It’s not overloading my schedule to the point where I leave myself stressed and sleep-deprived. And while I’m still much younger than Hakeem Rahim and not in college yet, I cherish his message of being able to say no and to understand and respond to one’s own feelings deeply as a platform towards better self-care in the long run. 

The chasm between age and lifestyle

Freshman year, I remember spending most of my time, during weekdays and on weekends outside of my dorm.  I would walk downtown for brunch and work downtown and I rarely spent time indoors.  I usually studied in the library for hours at a time on Saturdays and Sundays, often going to the library 5 minutes after it opened.  However, lower year has been different, in part because of the renovations on our library, in part because I’m not finding as strong a need to walk to different places to study.  

The library used to be a place where day students, boarders, students from the farthest corners of campus and students who lived in the dorms in the heart of campus gathered.  Habit wise, I’ve found that I end up spending more time in my dorm studying and chatting with my friends.  I’m not quite sure what happened to me this year, but I’m lacking the motivation I had last year to explore.  I enjoyed going out last year and seeing what was up and about on campus, but this year, as a returning student, I almost know what to expect everywhere I go.  For example, Commons is always a bit more rowdy on the weekends simply because there are only two dining halls open, GW is always quiet because it requires bluecard access, the playing fields are virtually empty unless there is a home game, and the gym is usually very empty.  I’m finding that I actually enjoy spending time in my dorm and as a result, I have stronger bonds with the people in my dorm.  

I remember as a freshman wondering why I rarely saw upperclassmen studying in the library.  I was curious and I explicitly remember asking people, how could someone stay in their dorm for the whole day? While I continue to make sure I get outside everyday for a couple hours at the bare minimum to get some exercise, I’m realizing how easy it is to get caught up in work and end up spending an entire Sunday/Saturday in the dorm.  

I suppose this goes to show the relationship between age and habit at Andover.  Habit is highly correlated with age at Andover.  There are some pretty obvious chasms between the workload, energy levels, and extracurricular commitments of different grades, and as I freshman, I thought I would always be able to live my life at Andover the way I lived last year.  Now I’m beginning to realize that going for a run and walk on Saturday may not be possible (and that I’d have to pick one), that spending an entire Sunday morning watching some episodes of a TV show on Amazon Prime may also not be possible, or spending three hours hanging out with a friend on a Saturday is not a good use of time.  

My lifestyle change is taking me by surprise.  It’s almost as if I’ve been subconsciously molded into a new lifestyle, even though I’m on the same campus with the same course load, and 48 hour weekends.  My vision of sustaining my freshman lifestyle throughout my entire time at Andover is becoming more distant.  I think what I have to prepare myself for is that I will have to prioritize as I get older and that my lifestyle will change as a result. I may spend less time outdoors walking, playing piano, and watching movies, but I’ll be able to study with friends and make closer bonds with the people in my dorm.  Age is change, and at Andover, this couldn’t be more true.   I guess all I can do is prepare myself.  

Insecurity Kills Dreams

"Insecurity kills more dreams than failure ever will"

I love the people in my dorm.  Each person in my dorm is unique in their own right. Some people are fashionistas, others are academically focused, some are varsity Crew rowers, others are theater production experts, and there are other people who are in our schools biggest improv group.  Each person in my dorm inspires me in a different way.  I guess that's the beauty of being in an upperclassmen dorm.  People are more focused in certain areas, they know what they like and what they dislike, and people's true colors are expressed.  

There's one girl in my dorm who's a senior.  She is one of the smartest people I know, a student in Organic Chemistry, expert in computer science, and from what I've heard, incredibly skilled in mathematics.  Every morning when I wake up, I go upstairs to the Common Room and I always pass by her room.  I've noticed that each week, she writes a different quote on her whiteboard.  I'm a aficionado for meaningful and unique quotes.  I found this on her white board earlier this week.  I've found that even as a returning lower I'm still trying to find my way and in the back of my mind this quote has pushed me to step outside my comfort zone, to talk to people who are new, to implement the feedback my English teacher gave me on my writing asap, to execute my clubs new venture, and dare to dream big.   

Thank you Zahra for this quote. 

Big People

“Be a bigger person…”.  It’s a phrase I constantly heard as a second grader, getting into brawls and arguments with my friends over petty things like who got in line first, whose responsibility it was to clean up the spill on the lunch table.  I admit I forgot about the phrase for a while, but recently, it can back to me again during our head of school’s speech at the first ASM of the year.  He spoke of three students who picked up trash on campus.  

Each year at Andover, there is a Vista walk during the first week of school for seniors.  There are refreshments and food, and of course, that easily leaves a mess since everyone is rushed to get to class.  However, the head spoke of how he spotted three students who were walking through campus and picked up that trash even though it wasn’t their responsibility.  They did it not because it was theirs, they didn’t do it for recognition, they did so just because it was there.  

When the head of school spoke of this instance, I thought of how those people were “being the bigger people”.  I suppose there’s no absolute, Merriam-Webster definition of a bigger person, because I believe it can apply to many situations.  Simply, I like to think of a bigger person as someone who doesn’t let the small things get in the way of a bigger consequence, and someone who acts without needing approval as motivation.  

In second grade during clean up, my classmates and I used to argue over who spilled the chocolate milk on the table, hence, who was responsible for wiping it up.  The bigger person would just clean up the spill, regardless of whether it was theirs or not, realizing that we couldn’t study if the table was wet. Of course, we were young back then, and no one wanted to get their hands dirty. Yet, even at school now, we often argue over who got into line first for food.  I suppose the bigger person would think, hey, it’s not a big deal if I’m not first in line but second.  Of course, this doesn’t happen, and sometimes (particularly for things like pizza), I see people shoving to be first in line.  Once, on the tennis courts, I heard two doubles teams arguing over the score. No, it was 10-8.  No, it’s 10-7.  However, I heard a person on the losing side say, “it’s fine, it’s just three points. 10-7”.  

These examples may not have done justice to the significance of big people, as I think I’ve portrayed a big person as “weak.”  For me, I’ve  tried to override this contradiction in my definition of a big person.  Someone who doesn’t let the small things get in the way of a bigger consequence.  So yes, I believe a big person can be determined and hard on important life changing decisions, like where to go to school, what major, what sports, how to treat friends, how to manage time, however they don’t allow those principles annihilate a healthy friendship or a couple seconds of their life that could make a bigger difference in someone else’s.  And now that I’ve come to think of it, I believe “big people” is merely a more philosophical way of saying someone with priorities.  

Being a Lower

’m back on campus.  Back with my friends.  Back to being a student.  I’m still not completely set with my routine yet, as I’ve only had one day of classes and no homework due yet.  Though life on campus is still liquidy and anything but stable, one thing is different this year: I am no longer part of the youngest class on campus.  As insignificant as that may seem, for most people in my grade, this has proved to be quite a new experience and it’s something we have talked about consistently throughout this week. 

It’s a different feeling homing back to a place where I spend the greater part of the year.  When I was new, it was very intimidating.  I tried to fake who I was, and I still remember how fast my heart was beating on moving in day as much as I was trying to hide it.  As a returning lower (sophomore), I know everyone in my grade besides the new lowers whom I’m eager and finding opportunities to meet. 

However, something my friends and I have continuously been observing is the freshman class.  Most notably, I noticed how they stuck together in humongous groups of at least ten people and I even groups of 30 people go downtown together!  I wonder why there are such large groups, in fact, I’ve rarely seen freshman travel by themselves.  They’re always in groups, so curious I talked to some older kids in my dorm.  They said this is consistent across ALL new freshman classes.  The I’m new in a big school where I know nobody,  I need to travel with people, power in numbers mentality.  Is that what’s going through people’s minds?  I must have been like that last year, I just don’t remember it.  But it intrigues how now that I’m just one year older, I don’t have to stick in those large groups.  Is it growing up? Or is it acquired confidence?

Another great thing I’ve noticed about being a lower and having a year at school under my belt, is I know more people.  I’ve said “hi so-and-so” so many times so far, I think I’ve greeted more people in these past four days than I greeted my entire first month of school last year where I knew close to no one.  And it’s a nice feeling.  It truly is.  It feels like I have a presence, that I’m there, and that people remember me. Of course there are plenty of people who I don’t know, but it’s a different feeling than last year, when I didn’t know the names of even the people in my own grade.  I remember walking around, seeing a face, and thinking “oh shoot, what’s their name again?” Honestly though, they were probably thinking the same thing.  

Being a lower also comes with more freedom as I expected.  There’s no lights out, and though sign in is still the same, my house counselors are more forgiving about accidental lateness.  I want to note how last year, the student body co presidents were welcoming/re-welcoming kids to the new school year.  They described the roles of each of the grades and they said lower year as the year where “you’re just sorta there.”  Maybe they’re right in saying that.  But now that I’ve moved in and settled down, I think I can at least say I’m excited to just be here. 

Summer 2018 Wrap Up

Summer is inevitably coming to an end.  The seasons are changing and weeks earlier, I’d already been able to feel the days shorten.  This summer felt different from others.  Overall, less blurred, more crystal clear and everything that happened, from travel to camp to daily life appears to be more distinct and separate in my mind.  Perhaps this is due to my regimented lifestyle this summer…I woke up at 6:22 just about everyday, I walked to town for lunch everyday on the weekdays, played tennis after dinner with the ball machine, and started each morning reading a book with my breakfast.  I believe this order, this schedule, has enabled me to store each detail of this summer in my head.   It’s one of the those summers where someone asks me what did you do? and I can give them a concise, confident, and to-the-point answer.  

Maybe it’s also a signifier that I didn’t do enough.  That I didn’t vary my schedule enough, that I didn’t go out and do something spontaneous.  I’m not one who likes to be reminiscent, and when I look back, I don’t think there was much I could’ve done differently.  I could’ve gone to the city more often, or taken longer walks to Harvard Square, but I think the weather this summer was keeping me back.  

Last summer, I wrote a Summer 2017 Wrap Up.  Looking back on it, some of the habits or interests that I picked up such as wearing visors, listening to Planet Money, tennis, and walks to town and back for lunch.  These habits were developed last summer and it intrigues me to see how they play a role in my life today.  This has encouraged me to continue this “Summer X Wrap Up” post.  Here’s 2018.

Reading

• The Great Alone by Kristin Hannah
  
• Beneath the Scarlet Sky by Mark Sullivan
  
• Educated by Tara Westover
  
• The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
  
• I’ll Be Gone in the Dark by Michelle McNamara
  
• Greek Mythology series that I got in Greece!
  
• Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan
  
• The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt
  

This summer’s selection of reading definitely peaked my interest in autobiographies and memoirs which is hopefully a genre I will continue to read in the future. 

What I Watched 

• American Psycho
  
• Scarlet Heart Ryeo
  
• Primal Fear
  
• The Murder on the Orient Express
  
• Gone Girl
  
• Crazy Rich Asians
  

By far the best of these movies that I watched was American Psycho, a true classic in both literature and Hollywood. 

What I Listened to

• Beautiful by Bazzi
  
• High on Life by Martin Garrix
  
• Don’t Leave Me Alone by David Guetta
  
• Illenium music
  
• Moon River
  
• Careless Whisper
  
• Jazz radios
  

Miscellaneous 

• I discovered the brand Jack Rogers which I wore pretty much every day.  They’re comfortable and I found they were easy to dress up and dress down.  Different from last year, where I wore boat shoes as my t
  
• Became addicted to Starbucks.  Went most days of the week and ordered the same thing every time.  The guy at the cashier knew my order by the end of summer.
  
• Went to Harvard Debate Camp and learned some pretty useful debate tricks that I’ve found applicable in arguments
  
• Walk to town  (same as last summer)
  
• Tennis after dinner which I’ve found helps me sleep better (same as last summer)
  
• Tried volleyball which I don’t think I will ever do again.  It’s a difficult sport and the pain is an accustomed feel that I found I don’t want to invest the time to feel accustomed to.
  
• Nails.  I became obsessed with nail colors as I find it oddly therapeutic to paint them.  I have become an oddball who buys multiple shades of pinks that are unnoticeably different from each other.

I don’t want to describe this summer as uneventful, but I don’t think it particularly stood out.  I certainly got some much needed rest, but besides that, I think my life was fairly consistent from day to day.  Tomorrow is moving in day for returning students.  I was in Boston with my friend yesterday and we were discussing our outlooks on the year.  She describes it as “hopeful”.  I think I will describe it as “coming-with-optimism”.