Upper fall reflection

My upper-year fall term has officially ended and returning home, I feel the imminent end-of-year holiday spirit. This is my favorite time of year. Even though the days are short and the nights long, I sense people’s spirit when I walk outdoors. When I go to stores downtown, I see the inklings of holiday decorations. Something I feel I write about almost every year around this time is the angle of the setting sun. It casts a warm, golden glow at an ideal 45-ish degree angle around 4 PM, perfect for taking photos or simply enjoying the atmosphere on a jog. This time of year feels like putty. The spirit of the holiday season almost molds itself into various holes in my life at the time being. I’m grateful for the upcoming season and spending much needed time at home with my family and a TV. 

I’ve been reflecting upon this past term. One thing I find interesting about upper year is the “hype” around it. In previous years, when someone told me they were an Upper, it consternated me with respect and utter impressiveness that they were merely alive. As an underclassman, I legitimately thought upper-year would kill me from day one. Yet here I am…writing a blog post about the hype. Having survived my first term, I can safely say that upper year does not have to be as bad as what I anticipated as an underclassmen. I think a stigma always exists for people who aren’t living in the moment described, in part because we play a passive role when we hear stories of struggle. For me, hearing about upper year always sounded a lot worse than actually being in it. The long nights, all-nighters, and zero free time felt all too real and going into my upper year, I feared a similar experience. 

I remember talking to Uppers in my dorm who liked to remind underclassmen that they were Uppers. While for some people the “hype” of Upper year really does exist and comes to fruition from day one, I think this experience varies by individual. I believe the continued legacy of the upper year hype arises from those who experience it most. It’s through individual experiences that stigmas around certain years come to be. For me at least, this fall term has gone better than my last fall term, where I couldn’t go to bed until at least midnight every night. Having been on this campus for two complete years already, I’ve also found places both on and off-campus to hang out. This has helped me destress and concentrate at critical moments.

Last week, I talked to some trusted seniors about their experiences, concerned that maybe I wasn’t pushing myself hard enough. They warned me that perhaps the hype hasn’t hit me yet, a fact that hadn’t escaped my thoughts. Yet one of my friends on the soccer team told me she felt her upper year was just like any other year of high school with a greater emphasis on performance. For her at least, the “hype” of Upper year didn’t hit either. Upper year, more than any other, is very formulaic and in a way, tedious. I think the strict schedule and routine helps me stay focused and prepared. I know when I’ll have free time, I know how much time I need to allot for a particular assignment, and I now know my personal limits.

This term, I’ve been striving to focus more on the process of learning rather than the outcome. I’ve found that this has helped me enjoy subjects I used to not enjoy in the past. I think I will continue to work with this mentality next term. In focusing on the process of learning and in the topics themselves, I’ve found a genuine purpose to my studying rather than just following the syllabus. This term, I feel as if the new schedule has worked in my favor and I’ve really enjoyed my newfound free time from work. Though I’m only ⅓ of the way through the year, it has gone by quickly thus far. I’m eager to take on what’s to come, likely in some blizzard storms. Cheers to winter term. 

Ageism truly exists

Ageism truly exists. I’ve heard referrals to the term most often in workplaces, occurring in scenarios where a manager is younger an employer for instance. I’ve refused to believe that people formed judgments based on someone’s age up, but this term has taught me quite differently. 

For the first time since I’ve been at Andover, my age leans towards the older side. We call that upperclassmen here. I didn’t believe it until I became one, but people really do treat upperclassmen better. My high school’s social scene is quite similar to that of many others even though we’re a boarding school, so I would like to assume that I’m not jumping to any dramatic conclusions or making small-sample generalizations. I’ve been trying to distinguish whether the number or simply extra years of existence on this Earth engender this nouveau degree of respect. But I’ve noticed that new students who come in as upperclassmen encounter the same level of treatment as returners, indicating that it is indeed age rather than experience that dictates treatment. 

When I say that upperclassmen are treated better, I feel it boils down to more than just respect. It’s genuinely a new feeling which I haven’t experienced before and I’ve noticed that people from all grades treat my friends and I differently, not just the lowerclassmen. The seniors say hi to us without hesitation, a line I’m assuming they wanted to keep clear when they were in our shoes last year when we were lowerclassmen.  People do more than just be nice in your presence. I’ve noticed that younger students hold conversations for longer because they want to talk with older students. They volunteer more readily in club events in my opinion. They are also more accepting of our flaws than older students.  

I think 10th grade was particularly difficult before I was sort of stuck in that time when I was older and more experienced than freshmen but not quite old enough to blend in with the upperclassmen. For me last year, I remember that being a particularly confusing time. I couldn’t fathom why the girl who was one year older stopped talking to me and saying hi. It struck me that age had played a role when she started waving to me again and conversing small talk this year, her a senior and me a junior. I’m also reminded of the time when a club leader didn’t make it to a meeting. His explanation to his younger co-head was: “I’m an upperclassman. I’ve got a sh*t ton of work to do!”. I've been trying to work through why some upperclassmen perpetually use age as an excuse. Perhaps creating distance with age commands for more respect.

I think it’s important for older students to recognize this new power that come with ageism, for better or for worse. I believe a large part of it has to do with how one utilizes age as a platform. Teachers expect more our of behavior and the librarians become angrier when upperclassmen stir up noise. When I think back to my experience as a lowerclassmen, I remember my respect for AR, a girl who was two years older than me in my dorm. AR was a gamechanger in my sophomore year. She didn’t judge my youth or perceived innocence and she made me feel important and valued. She’s the type of upperclassmen I strive to be. I remember asking her for advice about life and she never belittled my desire to learn. She spent time with me, disregarding the fact that I was younger than her. She’s the type who doesn’t see age as a barrier and use it as a rationale for ignorance or belittling. She recognized everyone’s value, never using age as an excuse from responsibilities.  Thank you, AR, for showing me who I could be. As I’ve written about before, with age comes responsibility. With this responsibility and power, there are innumerable things we could do. I've strived to look past these barriers of age and seek to learn something from everyone. In doing so, I want to break down some of the stigmas and intimidations younger students may have towards older students and I hope to garner respect from my peers through not my age but through my actions. It's in these ways that I believe we can tackle ageism. 

Loneliness

In EBI, our class repeatedly recircles to the topic of friendship and loneliness. To be alone. A curse and a gift on this campus. Walking alone can become awkward when one passes by a large group of people coming from dinner as I walk into the dining hall. They look me in the eye. I look back, my eyes saying yes, you bet I’m going to dinner alone. Or on the sidewalks when I pass by a large group of people, all of them laughing and having fun. Me, taking out my phone to de-awkward the encounter. In truth, our smartphones have blossomed into more than just the black or silver boxes that detract us from productivity, keep up connected to the web of information all at our fingertips, or help us communicate with friends; smartphones diminish the necessity of social interaction by making us seem “occupied” when we’re on our phones. Maybe I’ll know a couple of the members in the cluster, but when I take out my phone, I make the conscious decision to avoid discussion and to avoid that awkward sensation of being alone. 

In all honesty, I used to be okay with being alone. I was very much proud of the fact that I could walk from building to building, eat meals, and study alone comfortably. My views have changed and I have mixed feelings about being alone. When I’m alone, some of the worst characteristics in me manifest. Self-detriment for one. Frustration another. Emphasize of flaws, a third. When I’m with others, I’ve discovered my mind no longer has time, breathing space, to bring myself down with negative thoughts. I’m too occupied in a conversation about other people’s days and ideas that the burdens of my own feel lighter. 

The idea of being alone. After our discussion in EBI this past week, I couldn’t help but notice every single symptom of loneliness that I seem to possess. There is something odd about my social life growing up. My peers speak of staying at home alone during breaks every day as an oddity. They talk about hanging out with friends, going to the movies with them, just hanging out at each others’ houses. Though I don’t mention this in class, I spend most of my breaks staying at home. I infrequently meet up with friends. I’ve seen breaks as an opportunity to recuperate after a term of work for almost my entire life and get ahead on work. After all, breaks are usually less than two weeks long and I find it difficult to schedule times to meet up with people. When my peers speak of the vivacity of their friendships and their outings, I can’t help but wonder the frequency of these days (the way they’ve spoken about staying at home makes it seem like several times every week) and whether an element of exaggeration influenced their storytelling. I’m genuinely curious about how others spend their time at home. For me at least, it’s alone. 

Growing up an only child, perhaps I simply don’t know what it means to be lonely. I’ve never questioned my social life or considered the notion that I may be lonely. I’ve just never had anyone else to hang out with casually. When I’m not put into a scene like a school where I can instantly surround myself with people by virtue of the nature of the school environment, I’m okay with being by myself at home. I now wonder whether I truly am, by my peers’ definition, lonely. Regardless of the answer, I strongly believe that though lonely, we’re never alone. 

Things I love Lately

It’s been one of those weeks where schoolwork drowned out most of my time. I haven’t had much time to reflect on how my life has been going lately, as I’ve been scrambling to put together papers, tests, and projects. My tension and around-the-clock work schedule has finally quelled a little bit so I’m taking this time to appreciate some of the newest things I’ve tried and want to share with others. They’re small. But it’s the impacts of these small things I repeatedly refer to, which ultimately keep me going during a stressful week. 

Google Chrome’s Momentum extension

I’ve honestly seen people with this extension for a while. It displays a beautiful landscape photo, the time, a mantra, and engages viewers by posing a “Focus of the day” question. I love the photos displayed, which change every day. They’re natural, brightening, and beautiful. They leave me eager to open up my browser every day, observe the photo and reflect on my focus of the day. Sometimes I’m surprised by the bright blues of an ocean, other times I’m stunned by the golden rays of a sunset. I read the quote displayed on the bottom of the screen as well as the daily mantra each morning I open Chrome. It’s a beautiful, serene image to see before I dive into a hole of work.

the sunshine in this one is gorgeous. Yesterday, I had a picture of a cove with ocean and rock. Quite stunning too!

Barry’s Bootcamp

I attended my first class today in Boston! Advertised on social media and recommended to me through word-of-mouth by multiple friends, I felt compelled to give this workout a try. The “Red room”, as they call it, drew me in immediately. Paired with loud, upbeat music, I trusted myself to make it through the workout. 50 minutes, that’s all it was. I found the treadmill work pretty similar to my usual workout, which comprises of running. The floor work, which involved some light weights, proved the challenge. But the people next to me high-fived me and demonstrated the moves when I couldn’t understand, making my learning experience quite seamless. I somehow finished the workout on a strong note. Sweat dripping down my forehead, I rinsed off in the shower, feeling my body decompress with the heat. My body felt amazing after the workout for several hours and my mind felt alert from all the interval training. Definitely, a place I will be revisiting. 

Baguette with Butter

A small but meaningful memento of my trip to Paris this summer. Of all the foods we ate in France, baguette has been the easiest to obtain and enjoy on a regular basis. Honestly, when I sit down to enjoy some baguette with butter, I think back to those mornings this past summer, sitting in the glass-walled lounge of the hotel enjoying my breakfast with my family. I think back to the sunlight from the morning pouring through those glass-walls. My mind remembers hearing the clinking of glass cups and the tinkling sounds of silverware emanating from the tables around me, filling the lounge with a delicate jingling note. The serenity of those mornings arises when I sit down and eat some of the foods I enjoyed during those delicate moments. They’re memory now, but they keep me grounded in the notion that I have a life outside of school.

 Formaggio's stocks this awesome tasting butter imported from France! Love this with my baguette.

What’s been on your mind lately?