Pachinko by Min Jin Lee

Another review! (I’ve been doing quite some reading this break:)) I read Pachinko by Min Jin Lee this past week. This book has been very highly acclaimed in bookstores and on Amazon. I’m going to admit: I’ve been wanting to read this book since the summer but never found the time to. My list of books to read was shorter this break, so I found some time to read this 500-pager. Min Jin Lee has beautiful and clear prose, but I was disappointed by the plot of the story. Thousands of people have reviewed this book on Amazon and it was a National Book Award Finalist. I was disappointed by the book because I felt it was difficult to fully dive into the story. While I was reading this book, I couldn’t exactly figure out why I didn’t enjoy this book. I think I’ve formulated a reason, which I will share after I do a little summary.

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Pachinko is the tale of four generations of Koreans living in Japan during World War 2. There are three parts to the book, each about a different generation. What’s beautiful about this book is how Min Jin Lee ties the stories and events in each generation to the next. I enjoyed seeing how the decisions made in one generation affected the generation after, and how the sacrifices the earlier generations made allowed for easier and brighter lives for the following. It made me think about my family in a way and the importance of every decision made in the past.

The story surrounds the lives of these four generations of Koreans, focusing on their daily lifestyles, habits, whom they married, their mental states and what they thought about. Min Jin Lee uses the third person to tell her story, which provides excellent insight into the minds of all the characters. Sunja is the main character. She is a first generation Korean living in Japan and the story surrounds Sunja and her children. Lee writes about the struggles of Sunja’s marriage. Moreso, of a mistake Sunja made during her teenage years and how this one mistake goes to haunt the precedent two generations of her family. 

Sunja becomes pregnant in Korea at the age of 16 with the son of a rich man who was already married to a woman in Japan. When Sunja finds out that her child’s father is already married, she decides it violates her values to marry him; she does not want to be anyone’s second wife. Fortunately, another man marries her and together they have another son. Sunja takes care of her two sons while cooking for her husband and living with her brother in law and his wife. 

Sunja soon discovers that her first son’s father is a yakuza, or the equivalent of the mafia. Unfortunately, this is the fact that will haunt Sunja’s family in future generations and even in her mother’s generation. The story surrounds the lives of these Koreans living in Japan after this discovery. 

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I enjoyed reading about Sunja throughout the story. However, I found it difficult to follow when the story shifted to talk about Sunja’s grandchildren and their lives. While it is neat to see how the quality of life for this one family has evolved through the generations, I found it difficult to keep up with. I felt the story was rushed towards the end of the novel in the remaining 100-ish pages. 

For me, the main reason why I did not enjoy this book is that it lacks a clear plot and purpose. There was no real “plot”, and in reality, the book simply followed the lives of this one family. While one could argue that in itself is a plot, I found it mildly repetitive: a baby is born, they grow up, they work and study, they marry, and then they have children. This same plot seemed to repeat itself over and over in the story just in different time periods. The story also lacked build up and excitement. The plot did not draw me in to read this book and I found the book quite easy to put down. Nevertheless, this story certainly does appeal to many people…afterall it is highly acclaimed and a popular bestseller. I would agree that Pachinko will interest certain types of people, perhaps those who are interested in history and how that affected a typical Korean family living in Japan, or perhaps someone who is interested in capturing the essence of time and how time changes the quality of life and circumstances for one family. However, I would not recommend it to people who enjoy suspense, quick buildups, and action.

Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens

It’s definitely a new favorite of mine. Most definitely. Where the Crawdad’s Sing sits on my shelf of favorite books along with The Nightingale by Kristen Hannah. In a suspenseful novel, Delia Owens weaves together a powerful story about love, abandonment, the coming-of-age, and murder. It was a book that I couldn’t put down, and I found myself crying at the end of the story. 

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Kya has lived in the marsh her entire life, with her three siblings, mother, and abusive father. She has grown up playing in the swamps, collecting bird feathers and a variety of other wildlife. One day, when her abusive and drunk father’s temper spins out of control, her two eldest siblings leave the shack in the marsh in search of a better life. Not long after, Kya’s mother leaves the shack as well, leaving Kya and her older brother, Jodie, alone in the shack with an alcoholic father. Kya and Jodie patiently wait for their mother to return. Jodie and Kya wait for months, but they never see their mother walking down the path towards their shack. Jodie leaves the shack later, but he doesn’t bring Kya along with him because she is merely six years old at the time. This is the first moment in which Kya experiences one of the greatest losses of her time; her family abandoning her becomes the catalyst for her growing independence and reliance upon herself.  

Kya and her father get along for a decade. She grows up under the same roof as him, but she rarely sees him. Sometimes her father will go out for days on end without returning. Kya cooks for her erratic father, learns to grocery shop, while balancing her time out in the marsh. During this time, Kya attends school for exactly one day after social workers dragged her into the classroom. Unlike the other students in the classroom, Kya has never been in school before. When she misspells the word dog, as god and is made a joke of in the class, Kya vows never to set foot in a classroom again. At the age of 15, she has not the slightest inkling of how to read and she can only do simple arithmetic that gets her through the grocery store on a budget. During this time, Kya never loses her love for exploring the marsh and collecting things she finds. 

One day, Kya is hiding in the woods when she spots a boy. For weeks they do not meet each other in person, but they play what Kya calls “The Feather Game”. On a tree stump, they each leave things for the other person to collect in secret. Finally one day, the boy catches Kya collecting the feathers and goods he has left for her on the tree stump and they meet. The boy’s name is Tate, and he’s 18 years old. Tate is entranced by Kya’s wild beauty, and when he learns of her inability to read, he makes it his mission to teach her. They bond through these reading lessons and their mutual enjoyment for exploring the marsh and collecting things from nature. Tate and Kya fall heads first into love, and when Tate has to leave for college, he promises to return. But he never does. During the same time, Kya’s father leaves her, and within a couple of months, Kya finds herself having been abandoned again by the people she loves. It is after being left by Tate that Kya discovers the only person she can rely on is herself. Through this independence and her aloofness from town, people begin to dote Kya, “The Marsh Girl”. 

About five years after Tate leaves her, Kya falls in love with another man. The story becomes complicated here when at the same time, Tate comes back for Kya. Then one day, the second man Kya falls in love with is found dead and the town begins to investigate.

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This story touched me in so many ways. What I admire most about the protagonist, Kya, is her independence. Kya possessed what few could ever do. She took what little she’d been given, educated herself about the swamp.  Through these heart-wrenching instances where she was abandoned, I felt torn and nuanced (if that’s an appropriate adjective!). Kya had learned to rely on herself, but this also diminished her abilities to self-advocate which retaliated against her favor. Kya was afraid to speak up for herself since she’d been taught from a young age that she was the only person she could ever rely on. Her parents had left her, as had her siblings, and even her lover had broken his promise to return. Questions arose for me. How hard is it to earn trust? How many times can others break their promises before an individual retracts from trusting others? Perhaps Kya is one who had been abandoned one too many times which affected her ability to seek aid and support from others. I also love how this book uses nature and wildlife to explain expectations for humans, as it reminds readers of how closely connected we are to the animals who may live outside our doors. Owens crafts a story in which humans and nature become one thing.

Delia Owens has fantastic writing. I mean this in the sense that not only was her plot well thought out, but her prose in itself is like poetry. Her alliteration and description vividly brought to life the world in which Kya lives, particularly the nature scenes. Where the Crawdads Sing is not a difficult book to follow, though its chapters do flip between past and present. A must read!

When Life Gives You Lululemons by Lauren Weisberger

It’s the book that caught my eye at the beginning of the school year but never found the chance to pull off the shelves to read. The book’s cover is a bright shade of red with bold yellow font, but it also caught my eye because the brand of my running shorts had made it onto the cover of a New York Times Bestseller. Yes, here it is, my review on When Life Gives You Lululemons by Lauren Weisberger. 

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GREENWICH, CT. Karolina, a retired Polish supermodel who’s walked Victoria’s Secret seven times, is married to a US Senator (Graham). She is his second wife, and the only mother her step-son, Harry, has ever known. Graham is running for the presidency, but shortly before the election, Karolina is spontaneously arrested for driving under influence with five other children in the back of the car. She claims innocence, but the police refuse to give her a breathalyzer after finding two empty bottles of champagne in the back of the car. Not only is Karolina thrown into jail for the night, but her arrest makes the headlines and her husband’s run for presidency is affected. Karolina wants nothing more than to explain to her husband what actually happened the night of her arrest, but she finds her husband has left her and refused to let her see Harry. 

On the other coast of the States in Los Angeles, Emily Charlton is losing her clients one by one. A well-reputed image consultant, with impeccable style, a fastidious lifestyle, and a relentless concern for health and wellness, her style is apparently being doted “out of date”. Emily has directed many shows for Runway under Miranda Priestly (pretty much the Anna Wintour of When Life Gives You Lululemons), saved the images and public reputations of many superstars, and she is confident she can fix anybody’s broken image. Over 10 years of experience has confirmed this confidence. However, suddenly it seems that she is losing her biggest clients to a new image consultant in the media. For Emily, she’s looking for her next big break that will hopefully save her own image as an image consultant. 

Miriam is a retired Partner from a law firm in New York City. She moved to Greenwich recently and hopes to raise her kids better in the suburbs. Through her daily workouts at SoulCycle, morning jogs with other moms, and Books Clubs, she learns about life in Greenwich. Through talking with other women, Miriam begins to feel insecure about her own marriage. A critical character in the plot, when Miriam first hears about Karolina’s DUI, she calls her old friend and Miriam helps Karolina work through her emotions. Also a friend of Emily’s, Miriam unintentionally invites Emily to her home in Greenwich. Karolina meets Emily as a result, and the two form a friendship. Through Emily and Miriam’s support and friendship, Karolina discovers her true motive is not getting revenge on her Senator husband, but getting her son back. Emily and Miriam later help Karolina rebuild her public image in order to win back Harry.

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When Life Gives You Lululemons is adventurous, humorous, and a good source for blowing off some steam. It reminded me of Crazy Rich Asians, but with a more clear plot and added suspense. I must admit I was a little bit disappointed with Weisberger’s writing style. Her writing was fairly easy to follow but lacked formal prose and literally depth. What I did really enjoy about this novel was experiencing the lives these women lead after growing up. It almost provided insight into adult life and the feeling of growing up, but maybe that’s just an opinion coming from a teenager. I would deem this an excellent beach book! 

Turbulence on a tightrope

At school, all students take a Foundations course called Empathy, Balance, and Inclusion (EBI).  For many students, it’s the course that they roll their eyes at and say EBI? Not again… I’m quite surprised people dislike this course. While EBI is only three years old and still undergoing course development and refinement, I would say it’s one of my favorite 45 minutes of the week. Earlier this week, our class talked about WOOP, a strategy to tackle our goals in life, which I’ve been thinking through lately.

WOOP stands for wish, outcome, obstacle, and plan. It’s a strategy for achieving goals. What I like most about WOOP is that it not only talks about what we may have as goals, but it tells us to expect setbacks and encourages us to prepare ourselves mentally for overcoming them. Perhaps one of the biggest reasons why I set goals for myself and then fail to achieve them is because I’m not mentally prepared for a setback. I’ll often set goal x, and then go off track a little bit and struggle to restabilize myself towards that goal. For example, maybe my goal is to practice piano every day over break. Maybe I discover that I will be traveling for a little while. Coming back, it’s difficult to return to that goal-oriented mindset. Maybe my goal is to learn a section in my math book every day, but I slip one day, and then I can no longer get back into that streak. 

I’ve noticed a pattern: I have a tendency to set high goals and standards and work towards them consistently for a solid length of time. Perhaps this is what has earned me the description of “goal-oriented”. While I may be working towards a goal consistently, the entire time, it’s as if I’m walking on a tightrope. Any sort of turbulence could shake me off at any time. I need to get myself out of this tendency because I’ve realized that I’m entering this phase in my life that’s pretty critical. I’m nearing the middle of my high school career, and sooner than I can believe it, I’ll be heading right into the college application process. This is the moment in my life where consistency is critical. I cannot allow one setback, one small turbulence, or one small disturbance to utterly destroy the markers I’ve set for myself. I would like to stay on that tightrope. 

I suspect these next two years will be like a marathon, slow, steady, but consistent. It’s not a one month and done scenario. It’s a gradual build-up. It’ll be weeks filled with work, stress, and struggle, but on a more positive note, it will also be a time where I learn a lot about myself. I suspect I will learn about myself as a thinker, as a student, and as a citizen. Honestly, I’m kind of excited for that.

How my ji xing helps and hurts me

I’ve recently come to realize my inclination in getting things done fast. I have what my mom calls a ji xing in Mandarin. It’s not a personality disorder or anything serious. I would say it’s just a personality type. It’s where I feel the need and the rush to finish everything. It’s not that I have other things I want to do after. Though this is not a dictionary definition, I would describe a someone who has a ji xing as someone who has an addiction to the gratifying feeling of being done.

I’ve stopped to think about my ji xing and I’ve discovered the magnitude of this “addiction” of mine, through observing my close friend. I’ve written about her before, and while she may be slightly disorganized and have a tendency to be a little late to everything, I believe she’s the true epitome of someone who takes her time with everything. My friend does not like to struggle with physics homework, however, she will spend hours on end reviewing for tests and quizzes, patiently staying awake late at night until she believes she understands every concept clearly. Only then will she allow herself to go to bed. She also takes her time getting ready in the morning (not accounting for the fact that she’s around 3 minutes late to first period every day!). When I say she takes her time, I mean she also takes one hour to eat dinner. 

My friend and I are polar opposites in this sense. When she walks around, I sense an aura of patience. Her steps glide gracefully, and her arms moved in a relaxed manner. I usually wait for my friend in the morning (if she doesn’t make me late to class of course!) and even when we have merely four minutes to get to class, she’ll still be pacing around in her room looking for things slowly, as if she had all the time in the world. Watching her try to find her stuff, the only thought going through my head is, “GO!!!  Faster! Why is this taking so long??? Why does she not appear the slightest bit rushed?” On the other, I can sense my exigency and my strong sense of time through the way I walk. I often have my hands in my pockets to minimize air resistance, and I’ll take longer strides like the business people in New York take when they’re walking through the city. I feel an evident lack of patience in many things I do, and I find things are usually exciting to do in the beginning but after spending some time working on it, all I want to do it to finish it. Again, this is both good and bad. Ironically, it keeps me on schedule and prevents me from burning my brains out on small details, but it also deters my ability to delve deep into whatever I’m trying to accomplish. 

I aspire to instill patience into my life and personality. I always seem to be rushing through everything I do, which results in lower quality results. I rush through my homework, and on exceptionally crammed nights, I find myself focusing on finishing over learning. I find myself focusing on drawing that check mark of completion rather than reflecting on what I actually learned.  I’m seeing gaps in my lifestyle as well. Instead of sitting down to spend time with friends at dinner, I’m too rushed to go off and work on that homework. It’s as if every time I’m trying to do one thing, I’m always simultaneously thinking about the next thing I have to do later, distracting me from what I have to do in a particular moment. 

Of course, I must recenter myself to the idea of balance again. I frequently write about having balance and avoiding the extremes. This idea is no exception. I would like to take a reasonable amount of time for everything I do, but not take excessive time doing everything. Maybe I don’t need to spend an hour eating dinner every night or take one hour long showers as my friend does. On the other hand, when I try to produce quality work, I recognize the demand and the necessity to sit down and really spend more quality time. I’ve already begun to implement this idea in subtle ways. I’m spending more time reading through my physics textbook before I dive into the homework problems, and I’m spending more time previewing topics before we learn them in class. I’m experiencing positive benefits, as classes are easier to understand, I complete the homework more efficiently, and overall, I gain more from my learning experience. Another small way I’ve began to implement patience into my life is through making and drinking hot chocolate. Instead of making a cup of hot chocolate in the dorm and drinking it in a matter of five minutes so that I can clean the mug as soon as possible, I take my time sipping the drink to genuinely enjoy the chocolaty taste of winter. 

I know we’re still a few weeks from New Years, but I’ve started mentally gathering things I would like to work on for 2019. This is one idea I’d like to add to my bucket list: to be more patient and spend quality time with everything that’s in front of me instead of worrying about the next thing on my plate.

16

My birthday posts consisted of rants about increased responsibilities with age in the past. I wrote consistently about the difference in responsibilities even though having an extra year on my age didn’t make me feel any different physically. 

This year, I’ve come to a new understanding of age and my birthday (which will probably evolve further when I age). I believe my birthday is a time for reflection, a time where I can look back at my progress and my struggles from a safe distance, knowing that this year is past and that new things are to come.  When I say “safe distance”, I’m suggesting that I can reflect on my life, knowing that it has already moved on in a way. This sort of reflection empowers me to take what went well, and recognize what didn’t go so well, and apply it to this new year of my life. So here I go…

15. A year where I realized what true friendship meant through observing the social dynamic of my schools dining hall. It was a year where I did a lot of traveling, which I am forever grateful for. It was the year I became interested in Korean drama and KPop. It was the year where I realized what genuine gratitude truly meant through the idea of reciprocation. It was the year that I became interested in debate and refined my voice in public speaking. 

At 15, I was still navigating my way through my first year at PA. I refined my study habits, even though they’re still evolving with each coming term. I managed to start a club at 15, and now my club is trying to start a service on campus. At 15, I enjoyed playing tennis the most and I picked up XC again at school. My favorite book from this year was Educated by Tara Westover. I’m also proud of how frequently I met up with my old friends. Being at boarding school put some distance between myself and my friends back home, but I intentionally put effort into keeping in touch. 15 was also the year where I discovered how true happiness manifests. 

While I discovered how unintentional true happiness is, 15 also consisted of a neverending rollercoaster of emotions, particularly in its second half. I felt pretty down at times for prolonged periods of days. Upon retrospection, my math teacher seems to have identified my biggest problem, the problem that’s dragging me down. He notices that I feel as if I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders with my worries about college, about finding a job, about doing well in school etc. As a result, sometimes I let one low grade on a test reflect me as a whole when in reality, it’s merely a marker of my performance on one particular test. I have a tendency to blow up the true worth of each grade and I’ve let setbacks get in the way of my happiness.  

I hope to improve upon this area during 16. I hope to able to see the value of a test and learning, without allowing a low grade on one test reflect my entire worth. I will strive to put things more into perspective. As cliche of a phrase as this sounds, I need to realize that screwing up on one assessment in a class won’t utterly determine my life. 15 was a rollercoaster, but it was also a year of realization. I’ve got a new goal for 16 and one year from now, I’m going to take a look at how I’ve done. 

A post of thanks

I spent my Thanksgiving on a sailboat down in Florida. I was down in Key West for most of this past week, so I was unable to blog, but as I say every year, gratitude should be given constantly. So, here I go, a few days late, a little bit tired from the late night flight, but still grateful. 

I’m eternally grateful for my parents. They drive up to school each weekend, not just to see me, but to help me with subjects I’m struggling with. I’m grateful for them staying up until I go to bed, explaining physics to me. For allowing me to vent my anger out, even when they have nothing to do with whatever’s upsetting me. For putting my happiness and my wants above their needs. For trying to put my failures and setbacks into perspectives, and for pushing me to be better every single day. Thank you thank you thank you.

I’m grateful for my best friend at school. I haven’t had a “best friend” in a while, but I can confidently say that my best friend at school brings me the greatest laughs each day. We have a compatible companionship (yes we even brush our teeth together) and she helps me in school work. I suppose our personalities and organization are polar opposites and I don’t know how we became friends but what I’ve found is that my best friend fills in the gaps where I’m lacking. Whatever it is about us two, I wouldn’t change a thing. 

I’m grateful for my math teacher for being a teacher beyond math. He’s a writer, he would make a great comedian, and he gives his students individually tailored advice. 

I’m grateful for my teachers, for all the people I’ve toured at school who’ve cheered up my Thursdays, and for all the Starbucks I’ve had. 

“Give thanks not just on Thanksgiving day but every day of your life. Appreciate and never take for granted all that you have” -Caroline Pulsifer

That's why I didn't title this post "Thanksgiving".  This post is really just "A Post of Thanks" and I should write more of these posts throughout the year.

Gene editing

I have recently gotten into listening to WSJ’s Future of Everything podcast. WSJ has many different podcasts including Tech News Briefing, Secrets of Wealthy Women, and What’s News. The Future of Everything focuses on technological innovations, and really, imagining what our future may look like. 

I have this habit, not necessarily a bad one, of listening to podcast after podcast on the elliptical. This week, I found one particular one I’d like to highlight called Customized Kids: Are designer babies on the way? Its title pretty much encapsulates the essence of this episode about genetic engineering. 

Genetic engineering was originally designed as a bulwark against congenital diseases such as diabetes and cystic fibrosis. What’s happened is that scientists discovered ways to manipulate genes that can also control physical appearances such as eye color and gender. Many questions of ethics arise from genetic engineering. 

Dr. Jeffrey Steinberg, the founder of Fertility Institutes explains that when would-be parents come into his office and request for a baby that has a particular eye color or a particular hair color, he will scan both parents to find possible combinations of genes that would lead them to not have a baby with those traits. If the desired trait the would-be parents would like to have is possible to have, then hormones are given to a woman that causes her to release around 10-14 eggs. These are fertilized and then scientists will go through and pick the embryo that possesses the desired trait. 

After listening to this podcast, and more importantly, to both sides of the issue, I’m still on the fence. There was a man with type 1 diabetes who was interviewed for the episode. He was against the idea of genetic engineering, saying that if his parents had the technology 20 years ago to pick the fittest and healthiest embryo, he would not exist today. It troubles me to think of the truth in his statement. The implications of genetic engineering would give way and allow for a “perfect” society and in a way, us humans would be defying the laws of mother nature. And then there are questions of privilege. Genetic engineering, whether to prevent diseases or for cosmetic purposes, is expensive and would lend itself to privilege. Is it ethical that some people have access to these benefits while others don’t?

Conversely, what’s interesting is that China has been trying to find genes that cause intelligence. For several years now, they have been analyzing hundreds of people with high IQ’s, in attempts to find common traits. Hypothetically, China would be able to change the base or average intelligence of its entire population, and in theory, regardless of whether someone was an executive or homeless, these people would be more intelligent than people from other countries. There are clear benefits to gene editing, but I believe what China is trying to do is raise the base level of intelligence. 

I believe gene editing is effective when it is applied to an entire population. For example, when an entire population’s intelligence is raised, or when an entire population is exempt from sickle-cell anemia or another congenital disease. In a way, we would still be defying mother nature. But then there’s the other side of the case with gene editing for cosmetic traits. Is it ethical to edit a baby’s features, or as the podcast calls it, “customize” them? I have a feeling this would perpetuate racial stereotypes and bias. While there are clear benefits when genetic engineering is applied to rid of life-threatening diseases, once the technology is released, it will be difficult to restrict customers from using gene editing to acquire particular cosmetic traits in their children. While gene editing certainly has its benefits, there are questions of ethics we must consider as a society. How far will we allow gene editing to go? What is a valid reason to select one embryo over another? Can any would-be parents do gene testing or only couples with predisposed diseases? It’s a topic that’s been on my mind recently, and as of now, I’m still unsure of where I stand on the matter. 

Those Days When We're Just Not Feeling It

Everyone has days where they’re down, or simply not feeling it. When this happens, our attitudes, our outlooks on life’s possibilities, and most importantly our happiness is skewed.

I wish everyday could be happy. I wish I could feel my best everyday, but never in anyone’s life will that ever happen. When I was five, I became mad over who got the last cookie in class, or who was the line leader in 4th grade. Now I become mad when I don’t perform well on a test or when I miss a workout. I believe there’s always going to be something that upsets us, and this is proportional to our age. For example, by the time I’m an adult, I may become disappointed with my performance in an interview which leads me to not get the job I want. There are so many possible outcomes in life which makes it difficult to pinpoint what triggers us. All I know is that things that trigger us are continuously going to change. 

This brings me back to what one of my house counselors told me, that one day, your world just expands and things that used to matter no longer do. It simply like now I don’t care who has the last cookie in the tray, or who’s the first to enter the classroom, or who’s the first to leave the classroom in the line. Things that used to matter to my 5-year-old self no longer do, and perhaps that’s the first signifier that yes, my world is expanding. I envision that in 20 years, that one physics test I bombed isn’t going to matter, even though it does today. Our worlds are expanding, and before we find what truly matters, the grass will always be greener on the other side.

That being said, I’m not always perfect. There are going to be days when I do things and when I say things that I otherwise wouldn’t do. I’m happy to say this usually only happens on my down days or on those days where I’m “just out of it”. In middle school, I worked on an art for social change project about empathy. I think it’s especially important in those times for me to be able to find my circle of people who will empathize and understand my exceptional, seemingly out-of-the-blue behavior that’s really a manifestation of an inner struggle. I suppose this week has a lot to do with that empathy project I worked on in middle school. Empathy is being with a person when they’re struggling. Empathy is understanding that on a blue day, a person will probably not be themselves and to be okay with that. Empathy. There it is again, a word I used to just say meaninglessly thinking I understood what it meant. Now I do. 

Focus on what's in my control

This weekend I hit my all time low of the term.

I took a physics test two weeks ago, and scored above average however, my teacher gives everyone retakes regardless of the initial score because the new score replaces the original. I decided to take my chances with the retake. I scored 15 points lower. 

For the past weekend, I’ve cried myself to sleep every night because of that one score. A couple of my classes are on the verge of where I want to be and this past retake test pulled my physics grade down. Though I have two more weeks and multiple exams in most subjects to improve upon, I feel a lot of pressure and I think I’m struggling to come to terms with myself. This morning, playing tennis was extremely difficult. I couldn’t concentrate and I seemed to be framing shots that I wouldn’t otherwise miss. My head was in another space. I couldn’t stop thinking about the work I needed to do and how little sleep I would be getting these upcoming two weeks. 

Why? Why am I overthinking all of this? On Friday night I was conferencing with my math teacher, and he told me I’m overthinking everything. He can tell my head is always in two places at once. Until Friday night, I’d never considered that possibility. Could I really be overthinking everything? I think I am. Instead of finding topics to solidify, I’m too busy preparing myself for a bad grade. Instead of focusing on playing tennis, I’m thinking about what I need to do for physics review. Instead of doing physics homework thoughtfully, I’m too concerned about how quickly I can complete it. Even as I’m blogging, I’m thinking about all the secondary sources I need to go through to write a successful history essay. Simply put, my math teacher says I’m setting expectations much too high for myself, and at this point, I’m in a rugged competition against myself. Coming to terms with myself and my limitations as a human will be my goal for the rest of this term. 

I would like to recenter myself through writing this post. Writing my feelings and thoughts out has pretty consistently been my second favorite ways to recuperate after exercising. Here I go. I’d like to ask myself what is an education? Why am I struggling? How can I improve? When I reconsidered why I’ve been so stressed and a sad this weekend, I said it’s because of that one test. Is that really it? I’ve written about resilience in the past. Is this at all demonstrating my understanding of resilience? I have two more weeks of school, and only one more week of classes. I suppose the most resilient thing I can do right now is to push through and focus on what’s in my control.