Saying no

Self care. That was one of the themes in this week’s All School Meeting, as speaker and author Hakeem Rahim talked about his struggles with bipolar disorder during his time as a student at Harvard.  He spoke of how he withdrew from Harvard for a period of time in order to recover and seek treatment, even though that meant giving up cheerleading, his academics, and a large part of his life at the university. However, even though he was disappointed and irritated that he was temporarily withdrawing, Rahim said that was a very important decision in his life, mostly because it meant taking time for himself to get better.

While I do not have bipolar disorder (or to go college for that matter), I think there are certain instances everyday where I do have the opportunity to make a decision that will impact my well being for following days.  It’s in those situations where I need to learn to say no. It’s hard to edge away from being a “yes-man”. At a school like Andover, there are so many things that I want to do in my extracurriculars, academics, and weekends. As I wrote about last week, there seems to be less time everyday and taking six courses is becoming increasingly difficult.  Being the yes-man I was last year is simply not going to cut the line for time management this year.  

I paid especially close attention to my time this weekend.  While I was not studying 24/7, there were many things I withdrew from short term to set myself up for success long term.  For example, on Friday our class had an optional laser tag trip.  About 80 kids in my grade signed up and I had initially as well.  However, on Friday night, after being hit harshly by some recent grades and academic work, I decided to take the night off to reflect, think, and work a little bit.  I opted to hang out by myself instead of go laser tagging, and while I’m not suggesting that I want to be a recluse, taking that night off allowed me to recuperate mentally from an exhausting week.  While I was unable to play one of my favorite childhood game, getting off that laser tag bus was probably one of the best decisions I made this weekend. 

Self-care. I want to recenter this post back to that word.  Self-care is not withdrawing from society and being a hermit.  Self-care, for me, is being able to involve myself with my own body, and knowing when I need time for myself and when I need time with other people.  It’s not overloading my schedule to the point where I leave myself stressed and sleep-deprived. And while I’m still much younger than Hakeem Rahim and not in college yet, I cherish his message of being able to say no and to understand and respond to one’s own feelings deeply as a platform towards better self-care in the long run. 

The chasm between age and lifestyle

Freshman year, I remember spending most of my time, during weekdays and on weekends outside of my dorm.  I would walk downtown for brunch and work downtown and I rarely spent time indoors.  I usually studied in the library for hours at a time on Saturdays and Sundays, often going to the library 5 minutes after it opened.  However, lower year has been different, in part because of the renovations on our library, in part because I’m not finding as strong a need to walk to different places to study.  

The library used to be a place where day students, boarders, students from the farthest corners of campus and students who lived in the dorms in the heart of campus gathered.  Habit wise, I’ve found that I end up spending more time in my dorm studying and chatting with my friends.  I’m not quite sure what happened to me this year, but I’m lacking the motivation I had last year to explore.  I enjoyed going out last year and seeing what was up and about on campus, but this year, as a returning student, I almost know what to expect everywhere I go.  For example, Commons is always a bit more rowdy on the weekends simply because there are only two dining halls open, GW is always quiet because it requires bluecard access, the playing fields are virtually empty unless there is a home game, and the gym is usually very empty.  I’m finding that I actually enjoy spending time in my dorm and as a result, I have stronger bonds with the people in my dorm.  

I remember as a freshman wondering why I rarely saw upperclassmen studying in the library.  I was curious and I explicitly remember asking people, how could someone stay in their dorm for the whole day? While I continue to make sure I get outside everyday for a couple hours at the bare minimum to get some exercise, I’m realizing how easy it is to get caught up in work and end up spending an entire Sunday/Saturday in the dorm.  

I suppose this goes to show the relationship between age and habit at Andover.  Habit is highly correlated with age at Andover.  There are some pretty obvious chasms between the workload, energy levels, and extracurricular commitments of different grades, and as I freshman, I thought I would always be able to live my life at Andover the way I lived last year.  Now I’m beginning to realize that going for a run and walk on Saturday may not be possible (and that I’d have to pick one), that spending an entire Sunday morning watching some episodes of a TV show on Amazon Prime may also not be possible, or spending three hours hanging out with a friend on a Saturday is not a good use of time.  

My lifestyle change is taking me by surprise.  It’s almost as if I’ve been subconsciously molded into a new lifestyle, even though I’m on the same campus with the same course load, and 48 hour weekends.  My vision of sustaining my freshman lifestyle throughout my entire time at Andover is becoming more distant.  I think what I have to prepare myself for is that I will have to prioritize as I get older and that my lifestyle will change as a result. I may spend less time outdoors walking, playing piano, and watching movies, but I’ll be able to study with friends and make closer bonds with the people in my dorm.  Age is change, and at Andover, this couldn’t be more true.   I guess all I can do is prepare myself.  

Insecurity Kills Dreams

"Insecurity kills more dreams than failure ever will"

I love the people in my dorm.  Each person in my dorm is unique in their own right. Some people are fashionistas, others are academically focused, some are varsity Crew rowers, others are theater production experts, and there are other people who are in our schools biggest improv group.  Each person in my dorm inspires me in a different way.  I guess that's the beauty of being in an upperclassmen dorm.  People are more focused in certain areas, they know what they like and what they dislike, and people's true colors are expressed.  

There's one girl in my dorm who's a senior.  She is one of the smartest people I know, a student in Organic Chemistry, expert in computer science, and from what I've heard, incredibly skilled in mathematics.  Every morning when I wake up, I go upstairs to the Common Room and I always pass by her room.  I've noticed that each week, she writes a different quote on her whiteboard.  I'm a aficionado for meaningful and unique quotes.  I found this on her white board earlier this week.  I've found that even as a returning lower I'm still trying to find my way and in the back of my mind this quote has pushed me to step outside my comfort zone, to talk to people who are new, to implement the feedback my English teacher gave me on my writing asap, to execute my clubs new venture, and dare to dream big.   

Thank you Zahra for this quote. 

Big People

“Be a bigger person…”.  It’s a phrase I constantly heard as a second grader, getting into brawls and arguments with my friends over petty things like who got in line first, whose responsibility it was to clean up the spill on the lunch table.  I admit I forgot about the phrase for a while, but recently, it can back to me again during our head of school’s speech at the first ASM of the year.  He spoke of three students who picked up trash on campus.  

Each year at Andover, there is a Vista walk during the first week of school for seniors.  There are refreshments and food, and of course, that easily leaves a mess since everyone is rushed to get to class.  However, the head spoke of how he spotted three students who were walking through campus and picked up that trash even though it wasn’t their responsibility.  They did it not because it was theirs, they didn’t do it for recognition, they did so just because it was there.  

When the head of school spoke of this instance, I thought of how those people were “being the bigger people”.  I suppose there’s no absolute, Merriam-Webster definition of a bigger person, because I believe it can apply to many situations.  Simply, I like to think of a bigger person as someone who doesn’t let the small things get in the way of a bigger consequence, and someone who acts without needing approval as motivation.  

In second grade during clean up, my classmates and I used to argue over who spilled the chocolate milk on the table, hence, who was responsible for wiping it up.  The bigger person would just clean up the spill, regardless of whether it was theirs or not, realizing that we couldn’t study if the table was wet. Of course, we were young back then, and no one wanted to get their hands dirty. Yet, even at school now, we often argue over who got into line first for food.  I suppose the bigger person would think, hey, it’s not a big deal if I’m not first in line but second.  Of course, this doesn’t happen, and sometimes (particularly for things like pizza), I see people shoving to be first in line.  Once, on the tennis courts, I heard two doubles teams arguing over the score. No, it was 10-8.  No, it’s 10-7.  However, I heard a person on the losing side say, “it’s fine, it’s just three points. 10-7”.  

These examples may not have done justice to the significance of big people, as I think I’ve portrayed a big person as “weak.”  For me, I’ve  tried to override this contradiction in my definition of a big person.  Someone who doesn’t let the small things get in the way of a bigger consequence.  So yes, I believe a big person can be determined and hard on important life changing decisions, like where to go to school, what major, what sports, how to treat friends, how to manage time, however they don’t allow those principles annihilate a healthy friendship or a couple seconds of their life that could make a bigger difference in someone else’s.  And now that I’ve come to think of it, I believe “big people” is merely a more philosophical way of saying someone with priorities.  

Being a Lower

’m back on campus.  Back with my friends.  Back to being a student.  I’m still not completely set with my routine yet, as I’ve only had one day of classes and no homework due yet.  Though life on campus is still liquidy and anything but stable, one thing is different this year: I am no longer part of the youngest class on campus.  As insignificant as that may seem, for most people in my grade, this has proved to be quite a new experience and it’s something we have talked about consistently throughout this week. 

It’s a different feeling homing back to a place where I spend the greater part of the year.  When I was new, it was very intimidating.  I tried to fake who I was, and I still remember how fast my heart was beating on moving in day as much as I was trying to hide it.  As a returning lower (sophomore), I know everyone in my grade besides the new lowers whom I’m eager and finding opportunities to meet. 

However, something my friends and I have continuously been observing is the freshman class.  Most notably, I noticed how they stuck together in humongous groups of at least ten people and I even groups of 30 people go downtown together!  I wonder why there are such large groups, in fact, I’ve rarely seen freshman travel by themselves.  They’re always in groups, so curious I talked to some older kids in my dorm.  They said this is consistent across ALL new freshman classes.  The I’m new in a big school where I know nobody,  I need to travel with people, power in numbers mentality.  Is that what’s going through people’s minds?  I must have been like that last year, I just don’t remember it.  But it intrigues how now that I’m just one year older, I don’t have to stick in those large groups.  Is it growing up? Or is it acquired confidence?

Another great thing I’ve noticed about being a lower and having a year at school under my belt, is I know more people.  I’ve said “hi so-and-so” so many times so far, I think I’ve greeted more people in these past four days than I greeted my entire first month of school last year where I knew close to no one.  And it’s a nice feeling.  It truly is.  It feels like I have a presence, that I’m there, and that people remember me. Of course there are plenty of people who I don’t know, but it’s a different feeling than last year, when I didn’t know the names of even the people in my own grade.  I remember walking around, seeing a face, and thinking “oh shoot, what’s their name again?” Honestly though, they were probably thinking the same thing.  

Being a lower also comes with more freedom as I expected.  There’s no lights out, and though sign in is still the same, my house counselors are more forgiving about accidental lateness.  I want to note how last year, the student body co presidents were welcoming/re-welcoming kids to the new school year.  They described the roles of each of the grades and they said lower year as the year where “you’re just sorta there.”  Maybe they’re right in saying that.  But now that I’ve moved in and settled down, I think I can at least say I’m excited to just be here. 

Summer 2018 Wrap Up

Summer is inevitably coming to an end.  The seasons are changing and weeks earlier, I’d already been able to feel the days shorten.  This summer felt different from others.  Overall, less blurred, more crystal clear and everything that happened, from travel to camp to daily life appears to be more distinct and separate in my mind.  Perhaps this is due to my regimented lifestyle this summer…I woke up at 6:22 just about everyday, I walked to town for lunch everyday on the weekdays, played tennis after dinner with the ball machine, and started each morning reading a book with my breakfast.  I believe this order, this schedule, has enabled me to store each detail of this summer in my head.   It’s one of the those summers where someone asks me what did you do? and I can give them a concise, confident, and to-the-point answer.  

Maybe it’s also a signifier that I didn’t do enough.  That I didn’t vary my schedule enough, that I didn’t go out and do something spontaneous.  I’m not one who likes to be reminiscent, and when I look back, I don’t think there was much I could’ve done differently.  I could’ve gone to the city more often, or taken longer walks to Harvard Square, but I think the weather this summer was keeping me back.  

Last summer, I wrote a Summer 2017 Wrap Up.  Looking back on it, some of the habits or interests that I picked up such as wearing visors, listening to Planet Money, tennis, and walks to town and back for lunch.  These habits were developed last summer and it intrigues me to see how they play a role in my life today.  This has encouraged me to continue this “Summer X Wrap Up” post.  Here’s 2018.

Reading

• The Great Alone by Kristin Hannah
  
• Beneath the Scarlet Sky by Mark Sullivan
  
• Educated by Tara Westover
  
• The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
  
• I’ll Be Gone in the Dark by Michelle McNamara
  
• Greek Mythology series that I got in Greece!
  
• Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan
  
• The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt
  

This summer’s selection of reading definitely peaked my interest in autobiographies and memoirs which is hopefully a genre I will continue to read in the future. 

What I Watched 

• American Psycho
  
• Scarlet Heart Ryeo
  
• Primal Fear
  
• The Murder on the Orient Express
  
• Gone Girl
  
• Crazy Rich Asians
  

By far the best of these movies that I watched was American Psycho, a true classic in both literature and Hollywood. 

What I Listened to

• Beautiful by Bazzi
  
• High on Life by Martin Garrix
  
• Don’t Leave Me Alone by David Guetta
  
• Illenium music
  
• Moon River
  
• Careless Whisper
  
• Jazz radios
  

Miscellaneous 

• I discovered the brand Jack Rogers which I wore pretty much every day.  They’re comfortable and I found they were easy to dress up and dress down.  Different from last year, where I wore boat shoes as my t
  
• Became addicted to Starbucks.  Went most days of the week and ordered the same thing every time.  The guy at the cashier knew my order by the end of summer.
  
• Went to Harvard Debate Camp and learned some pretty useful debate tricks that I’ve found applicable in arguments
  
• Walk to town  (same as last summer)
  
• Tennis after dinner which I’ve found helps me sleep better (same as last summer)
  
• Tried volleyball which I don’t think I will ever do again.  It’s a difficult sport and the pain is an accustomed feel that I found I don’t want to invest the time to feel accustomed to.
  
• Nails.  I became obsessed with nail colors as I find it oddly therapeutic to paint them.  I have become an oddball who buys multiple shades of pinks that are unnoticeably different from each other.

I don’t want to describe this summer as uneventful, but I don’t think it particularly stood out.  I certainly got some much needed rest, but besides that, I think my life was fairly consistent from day to day.  Tomorrow is moving in day for returning students.  I was in Boston with my friend yesterday and we were discussing our outlooks on the year.  She describes it as “hopeful”.  I think I will describe it as “coming-with-optimism”.