The Nature of Agreeability

Most of us have been taught from a young age to stand up for what is right and to speak for ourselves. We practice self-advocacy, expressing our opinions, and disagreeing when things don’t go right. This is good in all, I’ve discovered lately, until we try to start having conversations. 

There is a 40-page book that explains how to develop better people skills. Written by Les Giblin, a former member of the military, one of the first techniques Skill with People suggests is to adopt an agreeable nature. When I first read that, it made total sense to me. After all, we like when people agree with what we say. But then I thought about it for a minute and suddenly things weren’t so clear. What if someone says something racially charged? What if they spill out the wrong facts? What if they keep repeating something that is factually incorrect? I struggled to find instances where disagreeing was appropriate. 

Some things hinder agreement. I’ve noticed that passion often gets in the way of being agreeable at least for myself. Sometimes it feels as if I’ve simply done too much research on X to comfortably allow another person to drop the wrong facts. 

I’ve been observing my friends, particularly the ones who I get along with the most. There’s one friend of mine whom I met this summer and being agreeable is his strength in social interactions. He’ll never say “you’re wrong” and he’ll rarely correct you. I’m sure we’ve all spoken wrong facts but he’ll never cherry-pick or point out the small stats we mess up, focusing instead on the bigger picture of the conversation. Every criticism and suggestion is given lightly, inviting the recipient to judge whether to accept, decline, or just keep moving on in the conversation. His suggestions stick for receptive people and slips for those who are more interested in telling their story out. But his agreeability is subtle. You wouldn’t even notice him being agreeable unless you analyzed his word choice. 

Other times, when I’m walking in the city with friends, it’s difficult for all of us to agree on where to dine. 

Person 1: “I think eating here would be great!”. 

Person 2: “Yeah I think so too. Maybe we should keep walking around to see if there’s anywhere else”.

Even a conversation simple as that could indicate that a Person 2 didn’t want to eat at the restaurant. Instead, they avoided offending Person 1 by suggesting another plan. The people around me are some of the best role models I know. They’re eloquent in disagreement and they’re sensitive not to offend. They’ll avoid saying flat out, I disagree, sounding dubious about a suggestion instead. 

When I thought about Les Giblin’s point about being agreeable, I can see how wise that piece of advice is. My confusion perhaps lay when/where it is appropriate to disagree. We’re taught to stand up for ourselves against mistreatment and cruelty. We should disagree–in fact, fight–for morally disgraced actions. Disagreements against large scale cruelty drive society forward and change our morale for the better. Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, and the civilians during the Russian Revolution righteously expressed their disagreement with the way things were in society. And that makes sense. 

I’ve learned that petty disagreements are what tear relationships apart the most. After all, who likes to be corrected or have an argument about which shelf Whole Foods stocks the chocolate bars? I suppose being agreeable is being less picky about others. It’s about holding oneself to high standards without imposing excessive control over others. Agreeability is almost like skimming over the details so that conversations move forward, directing focus towards the bigger picture of the conversation. 

“As long as you live, never forget that any fool can disagree with people. It takes a wise person, a shrewd person, a big person, to agree – particularly when the other person is wrong”.

Friendship is an ongoing decision

We had been best friends until middle school took us separate ways. Z and I hung out frequently, we told each other just about everything, and we supported each other as we grew. My elementary school best friend and I have stayed fairly close since we parted ways in middle school. We text each other and stay up to date with each other through social media.

Z and I meet up once or twice every year during the summer/holiday seasons when I’m back from school.  I met up with Z yesterday afternoon, an event that sparked this post. Even though we no longer attend the same school (and hadn’t been since 4th grade), live in different towns, and lead separate lives, our physical distance has not affected our friendship as it does for many. 

Very few of my friends are long distance. Perhaps a part of me has found it difficult to maintain close relationships when I can’t interact regularly in person. Certain events bring me together with another person: school, camps, athletics, etc. But I’ve discovered how a lot of these friendships wither with time. Getting back together with Z yesterday afternoon reminded me of the endless possibilities even in a long-distance relationship. I’m in close relationships with a couple of other friends whom I still see once or twice a year. They, along with Z, have shown me something important about friendships: it’s an ongoing decision. 

To be friends, to have a relationship, even to love, are ongoing decisions that one makes when a tree falls in the middle of a road. It’s after a lighting storm and the tree is split from its stump. The rainwater makes the dirt on the pathway muddy. It’s difficult to trudge through, but at the end of a storm, two people stand before the fallen tree. There are ways around this tree and the mud. There are also ways to passively wait. Those with whom I climb over the tree remain close friends; distance, differing interests, and time have little effect on the spirit of the past. I am lucky to have a couple of close friends whom I’ve been able to keep through our once-a-year get-togethers, texts, and social media.

Unfortunately, we don’t always manage to find the strength to climb over that tree. When we fail to do so, we can only passively wait for fate to bring us back together. This is the biggest reason why I’ve lost connection with some of my friends. Whether it’s the little strength that we began the climb with or the little faith we have in successfully climbing over the tree, I don’t believe there is any inherent catalyst that drives friends apart. Neither distance nor time is powerful enough to break apart a friendship if both parties proactively make the ongoing decision to reach out when they haven’t connected in a while or spend a few hours together once a year. Friendships require time but they also require proactivity and the desire to stay together. 

I suppose ongoing decisions and proactivity extend well beyond merely friendships. They are the core of life. Merely finding the impetus to wake up in the morning after a hard night only to go back to school, work, etc. is an ongoing decision. Making the ongoing decision to problem solve through difficulties and work for the betterment of ourselves helps us make the ongoing decision to stay alive. Take this as a grain of salt as I’m a high schooler and I still have much to experience in life. What I do know is that the friends whom I’ve kept connecting with after our lives took separate turns have jumped over the fallen tree with me. 

The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides

I bought this book earlier this year in preparation for an assignment in English class. I never got around to reading it until my flight to London. The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides packs in mystery, crime, and suspense, perfect for the plane. It successfully highlights the importance of confronting the mistakes of the past and he creatively weaves in niche Greek mythology.

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Alicia Berenson, a renown modern artist, is found one night in her apartment having shot her husband five times in the head with a gun. After Gabriel Berenson dies, officials send Alicia to the Grove, an institution on the outskirts of London where she refuses to speak. In fact, she went silent since the day her husband died. 

Theo Faber is a psychotherapist who hears of Alicia Berenson’s interesting case. He joins the Grove, hoping to meet and ultimately help Alicia speak again. He sets up therapy sessions and works relentlessly to help Alicia. He travels to her exhibitions, speaks with people who know her, and reads about her works of art. The jury is convinced Alicia murdered her husband, but Theo is not. He finds patterns and connections from literature and Alicia’s life to her artwork, which he supposes represents her feelings and emotions. 

Theo returns home one day to find sexual emails his wife had sent to another man. Theo’s life at home begins to fall apart. Determined not to leave his disloyal wife, Theo finds his therapy sessions with Alicia to be therapeutic for himself too. As Theo battles Alicia’s desires to heal, he finds himself buried in a mess. 

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The Silent Patient began with a slow start. As with most mysteries, all the characters and events seem quite random until the end nears. The plot quickens as you go along and the chapters remain short and fast-paced. I definitely consider this a successful on the mystery aspect. The endings of many mystery novels appear random in light of what happened in the plot, often tying to a small detail mentioned once. The Silent Patient addresses details, plot, and characters mentioned throughout the entire book; the ending truly “clicks”. 

London + Paris

I haven’t been active on here for a little while; I’ve been traveling for the past week and a half or so. Last night, I landed in Logan after visiting London and Paris. 

For the most part, I want to say European countries differ greatly. Each of the major cities I’ve visited in the past two years outfits unique architecture, cuisine, and culture. Lisbon architecture consisted of walls plastered with tile, each unique from the last. Lisbonions regularly indulged in two popular foods: Natas and different flavored pot pies. Greece prided itself in its white plaster architecture and colorful roofs. Although located on the Mediterranian, the Greeks did not consume quite as much seafood as I expected, focusing instead on lamb and chicken. 

Of the four European countries I’ve had the opportunity to visit, I believe the lifestyle and culture in England are most similar to that of the States. Shops remain open throughout the entire day (yes, shops close midway through the day in Greece and reopen at night) and dinner time felt similar to that of Americans (6:30ish-8:00). I loved London’s parks and tourism. We lived across the street from two major parks. I felt refreshed after walking through them to access various parts of the city felt refreshing. Trees line the sidewalks so the sun didn’t beat directly on pedestrians and the road was a mix of sand and concrete, producing various textural sounds when we walked. 

In London, we visited some properties belonging to the royal family. My favorite was Windsor Castle by far. The interior of the castle blew me away. Rooms decorated from floor to ceiling in gold, red velvet furniture lining the edges of the rooms, and 500-year-old mirrors still hanging where someone originally hung them. 

I also enjoyed walking along Thames River. Although a murky brownish yellow color, Thames was the vein of London. The London Eye and modern tourism stood on one side. Connected by the Tower Bridge, Parliament, old cathedrals, the shopping district, and the royal family residences occupied the other. After spending three days in London, I feel pretty confident about navigation. The city’s layout is fairly simple and the neighborhoods often had a distinct purpose (some filled with cafes, others for shopping, governmental for others, etc.). My family took the Eurostar to Paris afterward. 

Paris is by far my favorite city. I’ve never been to a city with the same pizazz. From an honest standpoint, just about everything in Paris is appealing to a tourist. From being the easiest country in the EU to buy tax refundable good to exhibiting the grandest squares at a frequency I’ve never seen, Paris buzzes with an excitement that leaves visitors curious about what’s around the corner. The Tour Eiffel was grand. There’s a huge–probably 1 square mile–space dedicated just for viewing. Different altitudes make for different views. At the uppermost level, tourists stand by the National Academy of Dance. This was the perfect place to take pictures of the full tower. Directly below, grass covered a large rectangular span of land, allowing the thousands of daily visitors to relax and sit directly in front of the tower. Fountains sprouted with water at timed intervals, making for the perfect photoshoot. 

Rotaries, bringing together 6-7 streets, fill the city (eg. Arc de Triomphe, Tour Eiffel, etc.). What intrigued me the most about these rotaries was not the traffic itself, but the building directly facing it. These houses were like isosceles triangles. The narrowest part of the buildings directly facing the rotary and became wider as one walked further away from the center. Cafes often occupied those triangular properties at the tip of the rotary. This sort of city layout, though less space-efficient than the grid-like organization of major US cities, gave Paris a unique taste and feel. 

I must be frank, I’m not the biggest fan of traditional French food. While I enjoy duck and various breads, I’m not the biggest fan of creamy foods. Unfortunately, my family did not get to eat at many restaurants during our trip. Our schedule becomes a little wack during vacations so we usually skipped lunch and ate at a cafe in the afternoon. Nevertheless, France has diverse food options. I found many of the cafes serve foods that were a blend of traditional french and more modern french foods. 

I’m home now, but I miss Paris. The late-night buzz of the city, eating dinner at 10 PM, the architecture of the city…all of it is truly stunning. It’s a city I would revisit again and again and again. 

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Some photos from my trip…

Buckingham Palace

Windsor town

Westminster Abbey side view

Westminster Abbey front view

London bus

View from the London Eye

Tower Bridge

London Panorama

Bond St. London 

Tour Eiffel behind the fountains

Tour Eiffel at night

Palace of Versailles 

Panorama of Versailles jardin

Versaille jardin b+w

Versailles jardin color

Apollo @Versaille

Versaille flowers

Sainte Chapelle stained glass

Tour Eiffel flashing at 10 PM!

View from Arc de Triomphe 

View of Champs Elysees

Musée Louvre

Another Arc by the Louvre @sunset

View from the Tour Eiffel @sunset

What I learned from Launch X

This weekend, I came home from Launch X, a month-long summer business program. Launch was an exciting experience and I’ve been reflecting upon my experience these past few days. While I learned a more strategic way to approach starting a business and some scary realities about entrepreneurship in general, what strikes me as most valuable is the mindset this program instilled in me about areas outside of entrepreneurship. 

Everything is learnable if you put in the time. I write about this because I struggled quite a bit in physics this past year and it’s not something I try to hide. I remember being extremely frustrated during the school year because I couldn’t understand the homework questions and the concepts. My frustration led me to call my parents frantically, trying to get help. It also led me to bang my fists on my desk, crumple up sheets of scratch paper, and bury my head deep in frustration. I've been reflecting on my experience learning physics and in retrospect, I probably would have understood the topics better had I spent more time. Over the year, physics became one of those subjects I walked into believing it was hard. I almost gave myself leeway for not understanding and I was easily frustrated when I couldn’t understand something right away. Being immersed in a startup at Launch taught me that while so many things in life are out of control, learning is one of the most controllable things we can do. During the program, my team and I met often. We worked long nights, we debugged our website, and we worked to better our product constantly. Yet even with all that time spent, nothing is guaranteed. Whether we will get investors, whether our team dynamic will stay fresh, and whether we will actually breach into the market are aspects out of our control. What is in my control though, is how much time I want to spend learning new skills to better our company. Launch has helped me come to this new realization that if I put in the time, I can learn anything. So many things are out of control, but how much we know about anything is within our control. I aspire to have this tenacious mindset and patience with myself during the most stressful nights of the upcoming school year.

It’s not the experience that matters. It’s the mindset. Many students who came to Launch already started companies and non-profits. Some had several nonprofits, a company, and a school club all under their belt. I’m not gonna lie: it felt a little bit disorienting when I learned how much the people around me had done. By the end of the program, however, when I looked at the more further developed startups, I noticed that the experience of each individual team member didn’t dictate the strength of the startup. The mindset did. The more developed teams had strong-willed individuals who felt passionate about their idea. The team comprised of people who believed their idea could make a difference in this world, driving them to excel in their efforts, time commitment, and dedication. I suppose this bounces off my first point about having the right mindset when learning new things. At the end of the day, nothing is 100% innate and a large portion of success comes from making the most of what we’re given. 

Even though this program lasted a little longer than my schedule would have liked, I don't regret it one bit. While I learned about entrepreneurship, physically being immersed in that startup environment and under those pressures alleviated some of my other mindsets about life. Thank you to those at the program who made it so amazing and thank you to my parents who made this experience possible. 

A yardstick of quality

"Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected" -Steve Jobs

A little reminder to seek for better as I enter the final work week with my team for our company.

We scare ourselves more than anything or anyone

At night, when I have nothing to do, little to think about, and no immediate pressures, my brain wanders. Lately, I’ve found myself stressing out around 9:30 PM at night. Perhaps summer vacation and the lack of a three-tests-per-day schedule are the culprits to my stress. I don’t know why. It seems that whenever I have no imminent stressors ahead of me, my mind backtracks and begins freaking over stressors in the past. It’s almost as if my brain has become accustomed to constant stress. Perhaps the lack of stress and things to do induces stress. I begin worrying about past failures, panicking about my performance in school, or analyzing my social life.

I had a mental breakdown in my room last night. It was around 10:00 PM. I had spent the day in Boston, studied some physics, and worked on the company with my team. In the evening, I played some badminton with some people in the dorm. In the time being, it felt like a productive day. Too fatigued to work, I lay in bed at around 10 PM with little to do or think about. Perhaps that was the danger: having nothing to do or think about. I found myself meandering into my past and I began to stress myself out. 

Last night taught me something important: we scare ourselves more than anything or anyone. Yes, I’m scared of bugs and spiders, but not more than my ability to do whatever I want to myself and others. A part of me wants to trust myself. Nevertheless, it’s difficult knowing how much power I possess over myself and my capabilities. Having power is an amazing aspect of being a human being. We have the power to succeed, to persist against hardships, and to produce real change in this world. On the other hand, our power can also inflict pain upon ourselves. Striving to find that equilibrium is ultimately the key to success. I’m a believer in the idea that a little pain produces more gain than a smooth hike to the top of the mountain. 

To conclude this post, I will talk about a little saying I’ve seen on Instagram. There are these I’ve seen posts which say, “behind every successful person is an endless latte”. True, to a certain degree. However, what’s always true behind every successful person are the times they overcome the nights where nothing makes sense and where everything feels upside down. 

Detach Yourself

Detach yourself. It’s something I’ve read about, my parents have told me about, and that I’ve tried to learn through my club at school. Maybe it’s time that helps, perhaps it’s my exhaustion with managing everything, but lately, I’ve discovered that one counterintuitive way to go about problem-solving is to detach myself from the problem itself. 

I easily become emotionally attached to things I’m a part of. There’s a part of me that wants nothing more than to extend every drop of energy out to projects, groups, and ideas I work on. Part of this resilient strive for perfection comes from my belief that I shouldn’t engage in anything I’m not willing to put 100% into. 

I’m quite surprised by my lack of stress and my ability to handle difficult situations calmly at this entrepreneurship program. Executing plans has consistently been something that's stressed me out at school. Nevertheless, my team and I have hit some troughs and lows, but somehow, I haven’t been feeling that burning desire to plow through these situations. I’ve found myself taking my time with every failure, struggle, and setback, creating learning opportunities from each obstacle. Could this be due to lower stakes in the summer? Lack of other stressors? Perhaps. But maybe time has allowed me to mature a little more.

I no longer feel the heat rise to my cheeks when things don’t “click” immediately; instead, I step back and evaluate the whys and the whats. I try not to attach my worth as a human being by my accomplishments, but rather, by my kindness and sincerity towards others. The inklings of a newfound ability to take a step back, view the situation from the outside in, is allowing me to tackle problems better. My breath stays down. I focus on the problem. Then I take the first step. Is this what adults refer to as emotional intelligence? 

Lately

Lately, I've been at an entrepreneurial camp, the reason behind my lack of activity on my blog. I’m half-way through my first of four weeks at this program. There have been some ups and downs, but overall, I’m quite content with my experience. 

Our day begins at 7 AM. We take public transportation, arriving to class at 9 AM. We finish class at 4 PM, and from then on, the day is ours. While I’m slightly disappointed in having to wake up so early for class, I find myself eager to learn. I feel different in these classes, which tackle various business aspects like customer buying behavior, consumer persona, market research, etc. I find myself participating in the interactive lectures and when I raise my hand to respond to a question, adrenaline and ideas pour through my system. I’m excited. It requires a different way of thinking from classes in school; these classes solidify knowledge of human behavior, sociality, and creativity in solving business problems. I enjoy listening to the creativity of each person's response and I particularly enjoy observing how everyone takes a slightly different take on a particular question/issue. 

It’s a beautiful thing, being able to understand people’s thinking processes. I also love my team. The program’s pre-work asked that we take personality and learning style tests, as the administration used this data to strategically formulate teams. I suppose this data worked quite well, as I’ve bonded not only with my team through the work we do in class; I’ve also been able to know them as individuals. We've worked through many ideas together, combing through the ups, downs, and confusions. During our meals, we crack jokes, talk about our experiences outside of the program, and our favorite things to do. It's amazing how much our friendship has grown since the pre-program when we only saw each other through google hangouts to begin the pre-work. 

In the evenings, the residential advisors host nightly hall meetings. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting some pretty cool people in my hall and even drifted around to hang out with people in other halls. I've met some really strategic minded kids, some from other countries, some who code, others who do physics, and those who speak five languages. It’s only been a couple of days at this camp, yet the days feel long and the week short. Having hung out with various friend groups, participated in various recreational sporting events, and eaten my meals with new people every day, I believe I’ve found my spot socially. I feel as if I've formed connections with many people in this camp, surpassing my expectations for the speed at which friendships could form. I cannot wait to see what these next few weeks bring for my personal growth, for my team, and for everyone's companies.  

graduation

The class of 2019 graduated three days ago. Fortunately, they just missed the rain, though the clouds enhanced the drama of their graduation pictures. I’ve made many good friends in the class of 2019. Some of them I knew through my dorm. Some of them I knew through sports. Others I knew through classes and extracurriculars. Everyone in that class, in fact, everyone at this school was brought together onto one campus from all corners of the world. We knew each other through our common ground: PA. The question is, what happens now? 

The day I moved out of my dorm, I couldn’t help but notice how I may never see members of the graduating class of 2019 again. It was difficult to say goodbye and I honestly wasn’t quite sure what I should have said. It’s sad to think about, but reality and the nature of probability dictate that I will never see most of these peers again until reunion twenty years later. I became acquainted with these 330 students through a mutual platform: PA.  It’s scary to think about what happens when that platform that bound us all together is no longer there. 

I suppose life just moves on, and in the strangest sense, no one really sticks beside us in life. It’s odd, and perhaps a little pessimistic, to think that every relationship we have in our lifetimes is rooted in a third party. My best friend asked me recently, what happens when we graduate? My friend will definitely move back to China and I will likely move around in the States. 

We meet a vast array of people in our lifetimes, but it’s change drives us apart. I’ve written about this before, but I think it’s worth restating how life is just like a train. We all hop on and off at different stops and at each of those different stops, we meet different people. When the people we met at that stop get back on that train to continue their journey, each person will get off at a different stop. We may never get back on the train at the same time or end up at the same stop again. 

Nevertheless, congratulations to the class of 2019 and thank you for being the role models in my time in high school. I hope I see some of them on that train again.