Loneliness

In EBI, our class repeatedly recircles to the topic of friendship and loneliness. To be alone. A curse and a gift on this campus. Walking alone can become awkward when one passes by a large group of people coming from dinner as I walk into the dining hall. They look me in the eye. I look back, my eyes saying yes, you bet I’m going to dinner alone. Or on the sidewalks when I pass by a large group of people, all of them laughing and having fun. Me, taking out my phone to de-awkward the encounter. In truth, our smartphones have blossomed into more than just the black or silver boxes that detract us from productivity, keep up connected to the web of information all at our fingertips, or help us communicate with friends; smartphones diminish the necessity of social interaction by making us seem “occupied” when we’re on our phones. Maybe I’ll know a couple of the members in the cluster, but when I take out my phone, I make the conscious decision to avoid discussion and to avoid that awkward sensation of being alone. 

In all honesty, I used to be okay with being alone. I was very much proud of the fact that I could walk from building to building, eat meals, and study alone comfortably. My views have changed and I have mixed feelings about being alone. When I’m alone, some of the worst characteristics in me manifest. Self-detriment for one. Frustration another. Emphasize of flaws, a third. When I’m with others, I’ve discovered my mind no longer has time, breathing space, to bring myself down with negative thoughts. I’m too occupied in a conversation about other people’s days and ideas that the burdens of my own feel lighter. 

The idea of being alone. After our discussion in EBI this past week, I couldn’t help but notice every single symptom of loneliness that I seem to possess. There is something odd about my social life growing up. My peers speak of staying at home alone during breaks every day as an oddity. They talk about hanging out with friends, going to the movies with them, just hanging out at each others’ houses. Though I don’t mention this in class, I spend most of my breaks staying at home. I infrequently meet up with friends. I’ve seen breaks as an opportunity to recuperate after a term of work for almost my entire life and get ahead on work. After all, breaks are usually less than two weeks long and I find it difficult to schedule times to meet up with people. When my peers speak of the vivacity of their friendships and their outings, I can’t help but wonder the frequency of these days (the way they’ve spoken about staying at home makes it seem like several times every week) and whether an element of exaggeration influenced their storytelling. I’m genuinely curious about how others spend their time at home. For me at least, it’s alone. 

Growing up an only child, perhaps I simply don’t know what it means to be lonely. I’ve never questioned my social life or considered the notion that I may be lonely. I’ve just never had anyone else to hang out with casually. When I’m not put into a scene like a school where I can instantly surround myself with people by virtue of the nature of the school environment, I’m okay with being by myself at home. I now wonder whether I truly am, by my peers’ definition, lonely. Regardless of the answer, I strongly believe that though lonely, we’re never alone.