To be liked and to be respected

For the longest time, I thought lots of people disliked me. My pessimism is in large part driven by my oblivion to the other side of being liked. I’m aware that most people in my grade perceive me to be a try hard and a bit of a workaholic. I’ve written before about how I sit alone at dinner working, or how I find myself in silent often. I admit I work a lot and I struggle to give myself free time, but I couldn’t imagine that being the reason behind my perceived feeling of people’s dislike towards me. After all, I am at a boarding school where just about everyone puts in the effort. 

I blame the way I talk, sometimes the things I say, and the questions that I ask people. There are areas of improvement for me there. I’d like to use the appropriate tone of voice for different occasions. I find myself talking in a straightforward manner 80% of the time, but sometimes people just need another friendly voice cheering them on.  There is room for improvement here. I need to ask the right questions and put myself in other people’s shoes. Empathy is important. 

______

I spelled that all out in the dorm on Tuesday night to some seniors in the common room. I wanted advice and ways to improve my self-image. This conversation spurted from one senior’s question: why didn’t you run for class rep. The reply was easy and ingrained my head. I told her I didn’t think people in my grade liked me. For a while now, I’ve been thinking about how I could improve myself and better the way I interacted with other people at school. I’ve had conversations with my parents about improving the way I talk, what I say, and when I say it. Something I realized on Tuesday night is that sometimes there is no easy way to become more “likable”, as likability is often an innate response to a person’s behavior. In these cases, it’s about how the situation is looked at.  

I got many different responses and advice from the seniors in the study space. The most beautiful response I heard was from a senior whom I don’t usually talk to. She someone in the dorm who I see, but don’t usually interact with.  She told me there are ways that I can be more sensitive about the questions I ask, the tone of voice I use, and the things I say, just as my parents have advised me. Some of it is just about the way I phrase things. However, she mentioned that there’s an aspect that’s out of control for everyone and it’s inherent in how other’s perceive our actions. Some people in this world are well-liked. Others aren’t necessarily as well-liked, but they’re respected for the things they do and the way they behave. This senior told me a personal story about her experience feeling the same way I felt her freshman and lower year. She mentioned having done things that gave her a reputation amongst the grade. For a while, she was on the same boat as me, feeling down about herself because she thought people disliked her. I asked her how she learned to better herself. She made outward changes in the way she talked as I’ve been working at, but she also changed her inwards belief about herself. She told me that while she wasn’t “well-liked” amongst her peers, she’s realized she was respected. I parted the conversation with something she said that I will never forget: it is as valuable to be liked by others as it is to gain respect from people those whom you admire. Thank you for that, AR.