How I'm staying true to myself

As a freshman at a boarding school that has kids who may be up to five years older than me, I’m beginning to feel the struggles of being the youngest.  These past two weeks, I’ve been trying to come to terms with myself upon recognition that some students in the school were talking behind my back.  I've been thinking about how to approach this situation and I've been formulating how I'm feeling this past week.

I think I can fairly say I’m a daring freshman.  I’ve been outspoken during club meetings [especially investment club], I’m not afraid to talk to upperclassmen, I still wear my BlueCard on a lanyard around my neck, I study in the tacitly circumscribed “upperclassmen” area at the library, I performed in Grasshopper, which is 95% esoteric to upperclassmen.  Last week, I was told that these traits are what make me an easy target.

Upon leaving BB&N, my advisor from eighth told me “stay true to yourself.”  This is me; the double Patagonia, public speaking loving, BlueCard wearing girl who doesn’t let age determine whom she can make friends with.  That is me.  When I found out that some upperclassmen and kids in my grade were talking behind my back, it was hard to continue to follow this advice, to stay true to myself.  I was targeted for not sticking to the freshman norms.  

I talked with my advisor from Andover.  We had a long conversation about how to combat this and at the end, we thought the best plan of action was to help me build mental fortitude.  

My advisor told me a story that is meant to act as guidance for helping me combat hurtful criticism.  My advisor played ice hockey for Harvard and later in the Olympics, and she remembered how when she was an ice hockey player, she was always frustrated when her coach called her out.  Her coach would always tell her what she should do in each play, and what she should do to improve.  My advisor was very annoyed by this, and she asked her coach why me?  Why tell me this?  Why not talk to other players?  Her coach replied, “because I know you can do it.”

It’s because some people feel that I can do it, I can break the well established social norms for freshman at this school and they feel threatened by my assertiveness and my confidence in what I do.  I genuinely feel that freshman are very separated from the rest of the school: we’re like our own clan.  My advisor told me it’s all an act of protection and safety.  When someone [me in this case], finds the gut to step outside of this clan, of the school norms, people feel threatened.  And for many people, their method to combat this feeling of unsafeness is to bad mouth and bring down that person who’s trying to step up.  

If other people are trying to take me down, it means I’m doing a good job, both stepping out of social norms and staying true to myself.  If others are trying to take me down, it means they feel that I’m succeeding.  If I’m succeeding, I can’t give up now and turn back into that freshman clan; I’ve got to keep going.