The Revelation of my Identity

This week it finally came to me in theatre class.  I was first shaken when I read a script called Chinatown by Robert Towne, which shared an ineffable truth about the connectedness between race and identity. I’ve been trying to figure out for many years now why race is something I struggle to talk about and on some days, why it’s something I try to forget is part of my identity.  This must be the first major contribution to my life that an Andover class has made.

We were assigned to read Chinatown by Robert Towne, which is a short play, about 2 weeks ago.  In summary, it’s a short story about a white boy who was adopted by Asian parents and another boy who is an Asian-American violinist who plays on the streets for money.  Their paths cross when Ronnie, the white male passes by Benjamin, the Chinese violinist on the streets.  Ronnie asks Benjamin where Chinatown is, and Benjamin reacts defensively.  Benjamin feels targeted with the question, because he is Asian.  He asks Ronnie why Ronnie would suspect he knows where Chinatown is.  Unable to formulate a sensitive answer, Benjamin goes on a rant, complaining about the racial injustices of our society.  One line he says that resonates most with me paraphrases to this: “When people look at me, they see that I’m Asian.  Now that’s alright, but then they assume that they “know” me when there is really more to my identity than simply being Asian.  There’s stuff they don’t know about me, but people simply walk by, see an Asian man and think that’s it.” [paraphrased from Chinatown by Robert Towne].

That’s what I fear.  I fear people walk by me, see I’m Asian and assume they “know” me when the typical Asian stereotypes pop into their heads.  Oh, she’s good at math, she’s got tiger parents, she lives off dumplings and fried rice, she wants to be an engineer or a doctor.  These are just 4 stereotypes that I’ve heard the most, particularly the good at math and tiger parents one.  I know these stereotypes are not true about me.  I’m decent at math, but nowhere as good at math as many other students at school.  My parents are far from being “tiger.”  They expect me to try to best and learn from my mistakes, which I would like to say is fairly standard across the board with parents.  And I’m not interested in engineering.  I want to go into the field of business, whether that be marketing, private equity, or consulting etc.  I’m trying to convey that these stereotypes are not completely true for me [though I know they are applicable to many Asians though, which is how they became stereotypes over time]. What I don’t want is my appearance to illicit the false idea that they do.

Benjamin’s stating of that idea struck me with so much force, because it simply and explicitly illustrates my reasoning behind avoidance of the topic of race. It took me a solid two weeks to fully come around Benjamin’s words.  It’s an idea that I’ve struggled continuously to explain to everyone I’m close with who knows about my uncomfortability with discussions about race.  It’s something I’ve struggled to put into words.  All of a sudden, I learned about it through a play script, followed by an in class discussion in theatre.  Thank you, Robert Towne, for putting the idea I’ve struggled to express into comprehensible words.