Stability

I suppose I’m anticipating and optimistically waiting for the day in which life will become stable for me.  My interests, the school I attend, my ballistic emotions, my daily schedule, sporadic doctor/orthodontist appointments are causing havoc in my life.  I like stability and I value control.  I don’t know why, but it’s kind of like how I take my daily 2 mile walk everyday to town and back.  

I’m noticing how life will always remain “unstable” in the eyes of a management freak like myself.  Right now I’m worrying about high school, where I’m going to go to college, when I’m going to finally get my braces off, if I’m going to pass the driver’s test and all the little details like that.  But the truth is, there’s a life beyond college, something I’ve failed to look at.  

Here comes the cascade of things I’ll have to worry about after college [and I’m barely in high school].  I’ll probably need to go to business school [drats, student loans?], find a good paying job afterwards [this is so important, determines the quality of my living, access to healthcare etc.], manage my money well [looks like I’ll need to download an app to help me track where my money goes], understand credit cards  [and which credit card to use where so as to accrue to maximum return and benefits for being a cardholder] and then, before you know it, it’s all about setting aside money for emergencies, and planning a retirement.  

I don't exactly know what I'm looking for. I suppose I'm looking for a life that I have constructed strategically enough so that I can go out and do risky things [like start a company, travel around the world] without having to worry about whether I have the resources to support myself. I think I'm also looking for a balanced and consistent schedule, though through the power of my parents example, I'm noticing that does tend to tire.

Stability is interesting.  I like to think I lead to a stable life right now, meaning I know where I’m going.  In retrospect, this year feels more balanced than last year.  Last year, I felt I was on a sort of cliff, not knowing what high school I would be attending.  Metaphorically speaking, it was like drifting in a river in a valley.  My job was to find a bank on one side to climb upon.  Now that I’m on that bank, life feels more stable.  

Nevertheless looking ahead, I see more banks and more rivers I’m going to fall into, just these rivers are not high school.  They’re college, applying for jobs, and managing where my money goes.  Stability.  I continue to hope I’ll find it someday, but maybe I’ll simply have to change the lenses which I’m looking through and redefine what it means to be “stable”.