Things I Love Lately

Happy New Year!

It's been a while since I've posted a "Things I Love Lately" update. Despite this great period of time, I would confidently say that my interests have not changed radically. Rather, I have found new ways to further preexisting interests. This post is the first of 2022 that I will write and also marks the first post in my eight-year blogging journey, one that I began in middle school out of a desire to record my thoughts, revelations, and realizations. So here we go, things I love to start off the year. 

Business Breakdowns Podcast. Business podcasts have consistently been a go-to genre for me and for several years now, I've been a regular listener of "What's News" and "The Journal" from the WSJ and "Planet Money" from NPR. Yet during my first semester of college, I began to feel that these podcasts were lacking. Though short in length, joining the student investment fund has shown me how much more in-depth companies and businesses can be broken down. I found myself drawn to lengthier podcasts about business and finance, from "Invest like the Best" to "Capital Allocators." Nevertheless, I still enjoy "Business Breakdowns" from Colossus the most because an expert/insider leads in-depth surveillance of the company, breaking down the top lines of the financial statements, multiples relative to other businesses in the industry, and macro trends driving growth. The episode that originally got me hooked was about the NFL. 

Jeans. I don't know why I'm back with jeans. Before COVID-19, I wore jeans on a regular basis. I rotated out a few pairs every week and all were skinny leg, in dark washes, with no rips or frays. Once COVID-19 hit, I stopped wearing jeans and I bought my first pair of sweatpants. I thought I'd never leave them and even went on a brief sweatpant craze. But now that in-person classes are resuming, I'm realizing I need to reconnect with jeans. And I have been on a jean-hunt for the past month. I'm exploring the world of jeans in a way I've never before, trying new brands, light washes, frayed hems, and new cuts that aren't skinny (apparently that's not so trendy in 2022 LOL). As I write this, I'm still eyeing a pair of cropped straight-leg jeans. 

Ankle weight workouts. I have been practicing Pilates since COVID began, but I never added ankle weights. In October, I invested in my first pair of 3 lb ankle weights and now cannot imagine working out without them. My movements have metamorphosized into a blend of Pilates and Barre, which leaves me sore, sweaty, and feeling amazing. 

Bad Blood/The Elizabeth Holmes Case. There have been few major white-collar crimes in the last 10 years until Elizabeth Holmes and the Theranos case arose in 2017 through WSJ reporting. In a nutshell, Holmes is a Stanford dropout who started a company that vowed to revolutionize the blood-testing industry by requiring only a drop or two rather than an entire vial. Theranos was worth $9 billion at its peak before a series of WSJ reports and interviews with former employees showed that the company's blood-testing device didn't work, that it used modified machines produced by Siemens to test patients blood, and that it bullied any employees who might have revealed that Theranos' technology didn't work. The Theranos test wrongly indicated that a patient had cancer and told a pregnant woman that she wasn't pregnant. 

I've included this case in my Things I Love Lately post not because I love the idea of defrauding investors and patients but because I find the entire scheme intriguing. In particular, I find Holmes to be a fascinating character. In the book "Bad Blood" by John Carreyou that explains the entire case, he begins by introducing Holmes as a very driven person who from day 1 cared about nothing but getting rich. I find the story of her success acquiring funding from investors to be remarkable considering her product didn't work, which how far her driven personality got her. In fact, she was the sweetheart of Silicon Valley when she founded Theranos in 2003, and Holmes was frequently compared to Steve Jobs. I've been following her sessions in court this past month, which is perfect timing considering I finished "Bad Blood" in August. The book was recommended to me by a friend and I highly, highly recommend it to anyone interested in the story. 

Cotton Candy and Jam Grapes. I've never really liked grapes until this past fall. But last semester, the Georgetown Club Tennis team hosted a brunch party where these normal-looking green grapes were served. When I tried one, I actually spit it out because I thought I had accidentally consumed cotton candy. But my teammate who was hosting the brunch told me it was a cotton candy grape, which explained why I seriously thought I had consumed cotton candy. Since that brunch, I have purchased cotton candy grapes whenever I see them at the grocery store and I've also ventured into Jam Grapes which taste like jam unsurprisingly. But I love these grapes and they've been a staple in my breakfasts the last few months so I thought I'd share that. 

My Favorite Time of Year

Merry Christmas! 

This time of year is most definitely my favorite. It's a time when the dust from a year's worth of work and play and experiences settles down, leaving a vacuum of space and time for reflection. In Boston, it's always cold by late December. While a layer of frost physically covers the ground, a layer of frost almost freezes of momentum of time and stops it in its tracks. So as the New Year approaches and as I enjoy the very last few hours of this Christmas Day, I reflect on the passing year. 

Our tree this year :)

In one word: tumultuous. This has been a tumultuous year. 

The world continues to struggle with COVID-19 on a daily basis and the new variant Omicron is driving a new surge in infections. This has driven worldwide repercussions. While schools and businesses were open for some, this new strain of the virus is threatening to shut down everything once again. 

There have been political and ideological tensions between the East and the West, particularly between the US and China. These tensions threaten to produce global effects as other countries take sides and each side insists on winning. 

Joe Biden became President of the US this and his first year so far has marked tremendous amounts of government stimulus spending. His signature Build Back Better plan, on which he campaigned, did not pass the Senate vote earlier this week. This has threatened to pull apart Congress, pitting the left against the right. 

2021 was also a tumultuous year for me personally. It was the year I applied to college. It was a time that left me stressed out and in retrospect, left me in one of the darkest periods of my life. It was a milestone that I couldn't seem to overcome and somehow did. But this year, my family lost a very important member of the family: our dear cat BeiBei. We still think about her every day and I still find myself growing emotional some nights thinking about her. But I know she's in a better place now. 

While 2021 started out on a rough foot for me, with high school graduation, college apps, and BeiBei's passing, I feel as if I've regained some footing. Admittedly, I felt lost after high school, unsure whether I could stay true to my values and beliefs. But over that barrier now and in a new milestone of my life, I feel as if I have found some direction. The dust that fogged my vision and battered my self-confidence seems to have settled a bit.  

Knowing this year, I'm sure it has more to show us in the last 5 days and I'm prepared to embrace whatever is thrown at us. The erraticness of our world is real. But right now, on this cold, wet Christmas Day, I'm happy. Just relaxing at home, at peace, with little on my plate for the first time in a long time. 

Hello from the other side

Wow. It's quite a surprise to find myself back here. I've taken some time off from blogging these past few months. My last few posts occurred around the time I graduated from high school in early June. It's now December 3rd. I turned a year older two days ago, I'm about to finish my first semester of college, I'm dating someone who's a great source of companionship, and frankly, my life has metamorphosized into something I wouldn't have recognized a few months ago. I even use a PC now!

After some months off from blogging, I must say that I've missed this place. My goal in blogging on Revelation of the Revolution is to keep a digital journal, a diary, of my life. And one of the most rewarding parts of this diary keeping is re-reading what I wrote in the past. Reliving the thoughts, the questions, and the events that I've catalogued so carefully all these years is something that I'm grateful to be able to do thanks to this space. So I find myself here once again to continue that documentation so that the me in ten years doesn't forget all the precious moments these days. 

Perhaps one of the things I'm most grateful for these days is that I finally feel I've found myself fitting in socially in college. After high school, I frankly wasn't sure whether my social struggles were a "me" problem or a fit problem. And since coming here, I've made more friends than I did in my four years of high school and I'm rarely ever alone. I go out occasionally (probably not as much as I could), I have friends in my dorm on various floors, I feel like I can strike a conversation with anyone, and I don't feel like the idea of me is stigmatized. I've made friends with the people in my dorm, club tennis, and the pre-professional student investment club I joined. And these communities have been a healthy, much-needed addition to my life that, while better than high school, is still centred around my studies. 

The city is also something else I'm adjusting to. Having grown up in the suburbs and gone to boarding school in an even more rural town, Washington DC has been quite a change for me. Coming here has made me appreciate the peace and solemnity of my neighborhood back home. But there are some perks that I've quite enjoyed about living in the city. First, the city never sleeps. And this isn't even NYC. It seems that there are always people on the streets when I'm awake. Whenever I go on walks, I find myself window shopping, going to new restaurants, browsing boutique stores, and visiting cool historic sites. In fact, I've already visited all the historic houses in the Georgetown neighborhood since they're all within walking distance from campus. What an amazing perk about the city. Everything is just here at my fingertips waiting to be explored. But another thing I love about the city is the food. Even the most random restaurant in DC seems to top an upper echelon restaurant back home. So during the weekends, I make time to go out and try new restaurants.

Most importantly, as I take my first few steps into this new chapter of my life, I'm starting to see things less as a cause and effect. This change is the result of a paradigm shift in the way I few my time and the outcomes of events. In high school, I felt like I was constantly working towards one goal: getting into college. The problem was that I viewed everything as having a direct effect on that ultimate goal. Doing poorly on one test equaled not getting into college. Taking a course that I was interested in but not super relevant to what I wanted to study meant diminishing my chances of getting into college. Socializing meant not doing enough work which meant obstructing my shots towards my goal. I incorrectly viewed doing anything that didn't contribute to my resume as a waste of time and as a result, I didn't spend enough time cultivating areas of myself besides my intellect.

I feel like a different person in this community, in this new city, and in this new phase of my life. I spend time going to my favorite group fitness class because I know that even though I'm not studying during those minutes, it'll make me more productive for the rest of the day. I have permitted myself to open up to another person and cultivate the emotional, romantic side of me, which has unexpectedly taught me how to cope with emotions and how to feel innately human. I spend time socializing with people after classes and clubs rather than hurrying off to my next commitment because I've realized that the people I meet by virtue of being members of the same community are actually my friends, not just peers. I watched under a dozen movies while school was in session through four years of high school because I couldn't allow myself to relax. So yes, these days I allow myself to relax and have fun, which has actually shown me the power in taking a break when it's earned. As I reflect on my college experience thus far as my first semester comes to an end, I must say that all of these aspects of my life today have made me a happier and more fulfilled person. And for that, I'm grateful. 

Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah

I haven't been blogging for a little while because I found a job this summer! I'm working at my local Sweetgreen, a fast-food salad chain during the afternoons and late nights. Fortunately, despite the late hours (I sometimes don't get home until past 10:30 PM), I've still found some time to read. I just finished Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah. Hannah is one of my favorite modern-day writers and I've read other works by her including The Great Alone and The Nightingale. While Firefly Lane certainly had a very different feel to it compared to the other two books, it was a delight to read.

Firefly Lane tells the story of a 30-year friendship between two girls, Tully and Kate, beginning in middle school. The entirety of the book essentially shares their life story growing up together, getting their first jobs, and their lives during adulthood. These two girls at times are complete opposites but part of what makes the story so lively is how Hannah melds together these two polarizing characters. While Tully's mother is an alcoholic and drug addict, Kate grew up in a typical nuclear family. While Tully has always dreamed of being a news reporter, Kate seeks a more humble life as an at-home mom. While Tully is always the lion in the jungle, Kate seeks pleasure through laughter, love, and family. Despite certain parts of the story rearing off into unrealistic realms, overall, I loved how Hannah played with character development. And given that the entire storyline is dedicated to unveiling a friendship, I would say Hannah quite successfully executes evoking emotion and empathy from the reader towards each character. I particularly related to moments in Tully's narrative. As a career-first work-a-holic who struggles with loneliness, I thought Hannah's descriptions of Tully's emotions, expressions, and thought processes were true to the bone. 

Another naturally intriguing facet of Firefly Lane is the fact that it tells of a friendship that spans three decades, beginning in the seventies. I thought Hannah effectively illustrates "the changing times" of each decade by describing the trendy songs, clothing, and artists of the time. She transports the reader to a time not long ago but recent enough to relate to.

Firefly Lane has a simple plot and the events that occur throughout the story are almost mundane at times, particularly when Hannah describes Kate's life as an at-home mom or Tully's life after work. The quotidian nature of the story allows readers to connect to the life experiences of Tully and Kate, who in turn show us the values and principles that we should hold true to ourselves no matter what direction life takes us. Despite their lives taking different turns after college, both remain grounded in the fundamental idea of love. While Kate finds love through her family, Tully discovers that love can be for something like her career as a news anchor. Firefly Lane is about feeling, about touching the core of what makes us human.

The journey

 "Take pride in how far you've come. Have faith in how far you can go. But don't forget the journey." -Michael Josephson

These days, it is so easy to get consumed in what I must do next, what I must do in the future, to the point where it's easy to forget how far I've come. While high school was not the smoothest of years and looking back on it, I've identified things I would have done differently, I must still remember the journey. The ups and the downs. The lessons I learned. The people I met and the friendships I've built. To be honest, it's one of those things that I could just allow to slip out the back of the mind or it's an experience I can cherish and build upon. It's been almost two weeks since I've graduated and this reality is hitting me: how I want to store my high school years in my memory is up to me. At this thought, I'm reminded greatly of the movie Inside Out where each experience that Riley undergoes is stored as a memory that lives in different parts of her brain. There are a few "core" memories. Others rest in the forefront of her mind. There's also a library of her old memories, and of course, there's the collection of memories that have been permanently erased from Riley's mind. I wonder where I will put each of the memories that compose my high school career in my mind. While the natural phenomenon of time results in the fading of most memories into the "back of my mind" type, as Josephson suggests, I think it's important that I advertently hold on to some moments of my high school experience. Two weeks into my shortest summer vacation yet, it's really just hitting me that I'm moving on in life, that I've reached a new milestone. And as I've been trying to do all along with this blog, it's important to cherish the journey. 

Liminal Space

I've been done with classes since Thursday and I'm graduating in less than 12 hours. These past 48 ish hours have been what our school calls the "liminal space," or the time between when we graduate Andover officially and when we move onto our next phases of life. 

Caught in the liminal space is surreal. Truly. Although I planned AP prep into the liminal space, I had no time to do any of it. Time has flown in the last two days. I've constantly had an event to go to or something to do.

But this liminal space is also surreal in the sense that before closure really becomes closure, we are given no choice but to reflect. On Thursday night after classes, we had community convocation or Senior-fac. It was a picnic where students asked faculty to whom they were close. This tradition represents the celebration of graduation between the faculty and students. Last night, we had a prom. Prom is a moment to spend with our friends, a time to reflect on our Andover moments together, or rather, a celebration with our friends. Tonight, we had baccalaureate, which was a spiritual moment to be in solitude with our class. The chapel lights were turned off and each senior held a lit candle up in the air.  This was a moment to celebrate and sit with ourselves. And tomorrow morning at 9 AM, we will have graduation. This is a moment to celebrate our completion of high school with our families. 

All of these events take place in the span of a liminal space of around 72 hours. It amazes me how many closures have happened so far, with our teachers, friends, ourselves, and tomorrow, with our families. And I'm so grateful to be spending time with important people in my life during this liminal space. Frankly, I'm a mix of excited and scared of what will happen once I exit this space to continue on with the next chapter of my life and in a way, I've found comfort in the liminal space, knowing that I'm on my way to completing something without having to worry about the next. But regardless of all the mixed emotions, I'm feeling right now, I must say one thing: thank you, Andover. For the highs and lows and for showing me what it means to work hard. 

Final Weekend

I can barely describe how I feel. It's a bittersweet moment for me. I'm leaving the school I've attended for four years, the place I've gotten to know so well, in one week. One week. Then I become an alumnus of this institution. I cannot believe it. I still remember so vividly the day I moved into Isham, how surprised I was that there was an elevator in the dorm, touched by the seniors who helped me move my belonging into my room, sweating from the torturously hot day. I still remember that day so clearly. I remember my body shaking unrelentingly the morning we were driving up to campus. I told myself that I wouldn't be nervous, that I would have myself under control. But at the sight of the bell tower during my first move-in day, even my arms began to shake. Did I belong here? Was I accepted by accident? 

I cannot believe I'm one week away from leaving this institution. I simply cannot believe how quickly these past four years have flown by. Truly in the blink of an eye. Now on my way out of Andover, I have a couple of things sitting in front of me. I have a pile of finals work to complete. No, this is not the time to give up. In fact, this is the last final opportunity for me to actually show my ability to work. I accomplished some more bucket list items this week, including going to the Addison Gallery of American Art and going downtown to La Fina for dinner with my family tonight. Perhaps one last thing that I need to do is find the "secret garden" on the Abbot campus. 

I am flooded with feelings of gratitude for my parents, peers, instructors, and coaches who have guided me these four years. I am also growing oddly introspective lately about how I've changed as a person after coming to Andover. I'm reflecting on the dos and don'ts that I've learned here that will hopefully make my college experience even better. This morning on the elliptical, I began trying to put together some funny moments during these last four years. This place has paradoxically sucked out a lot of energy from me, but it's also given me so much life. It's one of those ineffable balances that leaves me shaken to consider. And here I am, on my last stretch at Andover, still stressed about an English essay, a history research paper, and a math test. A norm that I've honestly grown to love. Busyness is golden. 

Some emojis describing how I'm feeling right now because when life becomes inexplicable, we should turn to art:

And yes, the order matters :)

Thank you, Andover. For the ups, the downs, and everything in between. 

 

My final tennis match of high school

It's been four years since I stepped onto Andover's campus as a student. Yet through the years, tennis season has indubitably been the backdrop of many of my fondest memories. Being on the team has made me a better team player, a more accountable person, and taught me how to support my peers better. While tennis is an "individual" sport, our wins don't come unless everyone feels supported. Being a part of this greater collective has been the most enjoyable part of each season. 

Today, in a sweltering hot 88 degrees, I played my last match of the season…my last match of senior year…and my last tennis match of my high school career. And unsurprisingly, this match was against our rival: Exeter. I write tonight to remember this amazing match, which was one characterized by grit, perseverance, and "momentum" as our coach likes to call it. 

During our warmup, I remember my body feeling sticky already. As I was standing at the net for some volleys, I was surprised by how merely standing there incited sweat to seep through my skin. We kicked off the match with singles. I played line 4, and after running through the lineup, we began warming up with our opponents. I played the same girl in singles whom I had lost 3-6, 3-6 to last week. It was also a hot day last Saturday, but nothing compared to the heat on the courts today. So during the warmups, I was wary, knowing that I'd been beaten last week. We each held serve until it was 2-3 her. Then, I broke away 4-3 at the changeover. Feeling happy about breaking her serve, I found momentum within myself to hit through my shots. But then, she caught up. The score was 6-5 me, and I lost the game. 6-6. I don't even remember what was going through my head at that moment, though I do remember losing the game by a hefty margin. I don't know how I got my momentum back, but I somehow won 7-2 in the tiebreak. 

In our second set, I lost 3-6. I felt out of it. Coach walked up to me and told me that she could literally tell I was losing from the bleachers and that what I needed was an attitude change. Walking into the 10-point super tiebreak that would determine the match, I told myself, this is a clean slate. I have a chance now. I just need to break through and win the first couple of points to get a lead. And I found that lead. It was 5-2 during the first changeover (yes, we should have changed the point before). Then 7-5 during the next change over. Finally, at 9-6, I told myself, this is it. This is the point that I would win. I don't actually remember the shot that I hit but I remember my opponent's ball went out. It was one of those matches that took 3 hours and 24 minutes (yes I timed it) and left both of us tired and just wanting to get over with it. But I'm both proud and surprised by how I pushed through. While I didn't hit with the pace that I would have liked, I think that's what helped me win this week since last week. So 6-6 (7-2); 3-6; 10-6. When our match was over, all the other singles matches had been over for a while and doubles had begun. Coach told me that my match tied us up with Exeter. After singles, Andover-Exeter was 3-3.

Since my singles match took much longer than the others, my doubles match with PB started and ended last. We played #2 doubles and halfway through our match, the other two doubles teams finished. Our #1 dubs had lost and our #3 dubs had won, meaning the Andover-Exeter score was still tied 4-4. With everyone watching our match, PB and I knew that we were the determining game for this match. We started strong, up 3-0. But then, our opponents slowly began to creep up behind us, always just a game behind. The last score I remember was being up 7-5. We were up in the set 40-15 and Exeter was on serve and I was on the backhand side. The final point consisted of a couple of high groundstrokes and the winning shot was a short volley by me at the net. I think I will remember that ball forever. I've never hit the winning stroke by a forced error in a doubles match. It came just above my comfortable strike zone, floating towards the middle of the court. I bumped it over with a short volley that was so short I wasn't even sure it had gone over the net after I hit it. At this point, I thought I'd framed the shot and I kept thinking whether it was the right move to poach. But then moments later, I saw both Exeter girls rushing towards the net which was when I realized it had actually gone over. But it was too late. By the time it registered in my brain that they were running, the ball had already bounced twice. I let out a huge scream and the next thing I remember is the team, who had been watching on the sidelines, rush towards our court. 

Coach repeatedly tells us: "tennis is all about creating your own momentum." This is perhaps the greatest lesson I've learned this season. Our match against Exeter today, in particular, showed me how momentum can indeed be generated from nothing but ourselves and how powerful it is in spite of encounters with skilled players. In fact, momentum comes from elevating every shot. Framed it? AMAZING SHOT! It's having that kind of mentality that enabled me to win both of my matches today. Two weeks ago, Pingree beat us 2-7. Last week, Exeter swept our team, as in, every single person on our team lost. Today, we won 5-4, our first win and last game. This makes me so happy and despite the stress of this match, for both Coach and each player, I am convinced that this was the best A/E I've had during high school. But I also learned an important lesson that I will carry with me because Coach's theory on momentum applies beyond the court too. Life is all about building momentum and confidence within ourselves in order to put forth our best selves in everything we do. Sometimes we just have to say those points that we win from a shank or frame are nevertheless good shots.

A Weekend of Firsts

Another long weekend just passed. With this new schedule, "long" weekends this year have been 4 days, meaning we get both Monday and Tuesday off from classes. This has been one of the greatest rewards of the schedule this year, which has really enabled me to relax during weekends. Perhaps a nice treat during senior year. 

The timing of this long weekend couldn't have been better because the countdown towards graduation is getting more real every day. There are something like 26 more days until I officially become an alumnus of Andover. Only 26 days until I become a high school graduate and begin a new chapter of my life. Turning the page. So this long weekend, I put off my work more than I would usually feel comfortable doing to get in some firsts and check off bucket-list items.

I went to Pomps Pond for the first time this weekend! Since Pomps is around 2 miles each way from campus, I ran there on my Sunday morning run. It's a shame that I never thought of going to Pomps earlier during my time at Andover. It's a peaceful, though small beach with a lake that's surrounded by lots of trees. It's located next to a graveyard, which means traffic noises are minimal. On Sunday, it was sunny, bright, and warm, so I just stood on the beach in my running shoes and admired this view for 15 minutes. The air was fresh, crisp and there wasn't a single person around. 

Pomps Pond, Andover MA

I also went up to the Bell Tower on campus for the first time. Though the Bell Tower is arguably one of the most iconic structures on campus, it's mysterious because few people have ever been up. Every hour, the bells ring, and every evening at 5 PM our chaplain goes to the Bell Tower to play music, signaling the commencement of dinner. The bells are super loud, so they can be heard even from the most remote corners of campus. On another note, the Bell Tower was the first thing I saw when I visited Andover's campus back in eighth grade driving up Main Street. This is still the street and direction I come from when I drive to Andover so I'll always remember it as the marker visible long in the distance of campus's proximity. 

Bell Tower at night

I also took my first AP exam yesterday, though I don't have pictures of that (how sad :P). I sat for Macroeconomics, and even though I didn't take the class at school, I thought it was a good experience to self-study a subject and test myself on it. I'm not preoccupied with the grade, rather, I see it as a good learning experience. Paired with recent news headlines, particularly regarding interest rates, inflation, and unemployment, self-studying macro actually helped me understand the world around me better. 

Finally, I took my first cooking class here at Andover tonight! Our chef instructor works at a non-profit called Newall that aims to give everybody access to clean food that's "grown with love for the earth and that nourishes the body." Through sustainable and new farming techniques, she believes strongly in this mission. That's why she taught us how to make overnight salads from SCRATCH with farm-fresh ingredients. This is my first time ever making even the dressing of the salad, but it was super enlightening to learn how the ingredients work together. We used oregano, green onion, olive oil, honey, sun nut butter, ice water, salt, and lemon for the dressing. Then, we mixed in chopped lettuce, radishes, carrots, white radishes, and raisins. I learned that I've been holding the kitchen knife in my hand wrong this entire time LOL.

Twisted carrots

Salad dressings!

My two salads :))

I had an amazing long weekend, the kind that I envisioned characterizing my senior spring years back. Although we're still in the middle of a pandemic, it honestly didn't feel like it. This was truly one incredible (not to mention busy) weekend and I'm so grateful for each of these events, all of the meals I enjoyed with people, and the time I spent outdoors. Definitely one for the books. 

Believing in oneself

One of the hardest things with which I've struggled from a young age is believing in myself. I've consistently found it hard to believe in my own abilities and this manifests in my life through small venues. From an anxious test-taking mentality (even if I've spent ample time preparing) to feeling imposter syndrome in classroom settings, there's this little voice in my head that's always telling me what could go wrong rather than how I should approach what lies before me. 

Perhaps my struggle to believe in myself manifests most clearly in sports, as contradicting as this may sound. It's springtime, my favorite season, which also means tennis season. Ever since I began playing tennis, I've found myself hitting well during practice. I swing through my shots fully, am not afraid to hit 100% when I'm putting away the point, and move my feet better across the court. Yet when I start playing matches or keeping track of points, something tenses up in me. My bones seem to turn into iron, preventing any sort of fluid movement. The way I practice seems to have never existed and my ability to swing through shots diminishes to maybe just 60% of what I usually can hit. During matches, what runs through my head should be "how am I going to hit that ball?" Instead, what I often find running through my head is "don't hit it out." That's what I've called my "bad mental game" all these years. Yet recently it became clear to me that it's not just as simple as one's "mental game." I believe it speaks to a greater mental barrier, or rather, this struggle to believe in myself. I am convinced that if I believed in my own ability to put the ball where I wanted to, I wouldn't play this way in matches.  

I'm working on getting over this barrier through tennis and hoping that playing this sport will encourage more self-encouragement in other areas of my life socially and academically. I need to get over selling myself short, so this week, I wanted to write about one shot I hit in a game that felt incredible. My partner and I were playing doubles and we were approaching the next for a short ball. It landed in the court, bouncing just behind the service line on my forehand side. The first thing that went through my head was "I'm going to keep my racket face closed." Then, as I began to swing, I said to myself "I'm going to end the point here." In doubles, middle balls are actually a difficult shot to receive since it requires more communication and if the other pair isn't positioned properly on the court, it could easily turn into a winner. And that's exactly what happened. The ball land down the middle, just beyond the service line, and just out of reach of both partners. A middle winner. An automatic point for us. At first, I was shocked that I had been able to hit at 100%, and the second after, I couldn't believe the ball had actually gone in. It was a surprising, surreal moment for me in a time when I've been struggling more than ever to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That point though is one to remember. 

Perhaps all we must do is turn to Descartes: I think, therefore I am.